RICHMOND, Va. — As the city prepares for inclement weather, Jerry Walters, the operator of Richmond’s one and only snowplow, announced today that he is more than ready for the imminent snowstorm.
“There ain’t nothing this rig can’t handle,” exclaimed Walters as he cleaned out the massive orange truck that will be tasked with clearing the roads of the entire city by itself. “Me and my trusty plow Dorothy are ready to ride into the night of this storm, guns blazing.”
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Due to budget cuts and unfathomably poor planning, the city decided not to invest additional funds in snow removal trucks or personnel. “We ran the numbers and figured the citizens of Richmond have such low expectations, why even try?” city official Mark Hainstead said in a recent interview. “We usually see two, maybe three total snowflakes a year, tops. Anything over an inch is pretty rare. One dedicated snowplow guy should be able to handle that, no problem.”
The approaching weather system is expected to dump up to 6 inches of snow throughout the Richmond metropolitan area, but according to the community’s one man street-clearing army, it’s nothing he can’t handle.
“She may not be the fastest doll on the road, but she’s got some serious power and grit, let me tell you. We’ll have the entire city cleared out by Monday morning or your money back.”
After the interview, Walters was seen filling his plow up with a mixture of diesel fuel and Jim Beam bourbon.
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