Starbucks Warns Other Locations Attempting to Unionize About the Dangers of Earning More Money

RICHMOND, Va. — Following the successful union votes of five locations across the Richmond area, Starbucks issued warnings to other stores regarding the dangers of higher wages, sources confirmed Tuesday.

“We firmly advise that our valued employees considering unionization think twice about what the dangers of more money could lead them to do,” a statement from the company’s management read, adding that the uncontrollable taste of greed that comes with higher wages could cause employees to become nefarious.

“Make no mistake, a lot of money can corrupt an otherwise decent person. Just look at the antagonists in almost every movie ever made — the corrupt bad guys are always the ones that are in it for the money. We certainly don’t want any of our employees to become modern supervillains, so we strongly suggest our employees think long and hard about their futures when it comes to unionizing.”

At the time of reporting, multiple Starbucks locations had reportedly hired union busting firms to hang up posters throughout stores depicting Daniel Day-Lewis’ character Daniel Plainview from There Will Be Blood with the threatening tagline “Do you want this to be you 10 years from now? Think about who you will become as a union member.”