RICHMOND, Va. — Despite the majority of the people desiring the exact opposite, a group of nine Virginians will mandate Virginia Beach as the commonwealth’s only vacation spot, sources confirmed Friday.
“We feel it best for the commonwealth — especially for our economy — to officially mandate Virginia Beach as Virginia’s sole vacation destination,” a leaked statement from the nine individuals read, adding that the landmark Virginia decision by the courts of Virginia Beach vs. Everywhere Else was to be overturned, despite public outcry that vacationing in Virginia Beach could be dangerous for a variety of reasons.
“The framework of our constitution doesn’t allow for wome— err, Virginians, to make choices for themselves when it comes to their personal lives, so it’s on us to honor that framework. We’re performing our civic duty by doing what’s best for the community, so we officially rule Virginia Beach as the sole beach spot for vacationers of the Commonwealth. Sorry Nags Head, Shenandoah, Ocean City, and every other city along the eastern seaboard that remains a healthy choice versus going to Virginia Beach, but you’ll have to try again some other time.”
The leaked document from the decision also included an opinion from Jhett Shavanaugh, who was accused of criminal activity in every beach along the Mid-Atlantic except for Virginia Beach.
“We must uphold the family values of Virginia Beach and not leave this decision up to the individuals,” his opinion read. “While many of the people in support of Virginia Beach are people who would never go in the first place, solidifying our grimy sands as the only vacation spot is the right thing to do.”
In response to the backlash from most Virginians, the nine individuals assured the rest of the commonwealth that they would do everything to accommodate any criticisms and right the wrong by investigating the leak of their decision.