House Republicans Propose Legislation to Just Keep Flags at Half-staff Indefinitely

WASHINGTON — Describing their idea as the most logical and rational response to gun violence in the United States yet, House republicans have introduced legislation that would keep U.S. flags at half-staff indefinitely, sources confirmed Thursday.

“This is obviously the best way to honor the victims of yet another horrific attack while making progress going forward,” House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Ca.) said during a press conference regarding the bill, H.R. 666, while dismissing any ideas regarding mental health funding or sensible gun control measures as ineffective, a waste of time, and a liberal conspiracy to gain popularity going into the midterms.

“There is undoubtedly a problem this country faces when it comes to mass shootings, which is why it’s our responsibility to act now and offer more than simple ‘thoughts and prayers’ by keeping our nation’s flags at half-staff for the foreseeable future. We’re confident that by basically erecting a permanent memorial to the victims of these tragedies, we’ll be tackling our gun violence epidemic head on. It’s clearly what the victims would’ve wanted. We’re America strong — and this patriotic act shows it.”

McCarthy went on to add that if the bill fails to pass on the Democrat-controlled House or Senate floors, we’ll all know who to blame when the next mass shooting inevitably happens.