Virginia Supreme Court Decision Allows Lamb of God Back in Public Schools

RICHMOND, Va.  — In a move that some say has the potential to threaten the separation of church and Slayer, the Supreme Court of Virginia voted 4-3 to allow Lamb of God back into public schools, sources confirmed Thursday. 

The decision came from the case of Karen v. Shredding, in which the courts ruled that it was constitutional to allow Lamb of God to be studied, practiced, and slam danced to.

“The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of returning Richmond metal natives Lamb of God back into schools for the educational and musical growth of our children,” a statement from Parents Against Posers, a local political action committee that advocates for musical education, read after the decision was announced, praising the courts for recognizing the importance Lamb of God should have in schools. 

“It’s vital that we do everything we can to ensure that our children are learning and continuing to grow with the proper tools at their disposal instead of a bullshit Seether album that could poison them at a young age.”

The landmark decision has also been met with criticism, with some worrying that the ruling could set a bad precedent. Kyleigh Praylnn, a Short Pump mother of six, believes it shouldn’t be up to the school to teach her children about Richmond’s music scene. 

“The government is trying to indoctrinate our children with this kind of Marxist facism, and we have to fight back,” she said in an interview. “Just last week, my son, Brexl, who is in first grade, came home talking about the origins of a Satanist band called Gweer or something, saying that they’re from another universe and that one day they’re going to rule over us like the pathetic maggot scum we are. Is that the kind of learning environment we want, where Gweers are teaching our children? I don’t think so.”

Justice Ray “Festering Toilet” Simpson wrote the majority opinion for the court, stating that the commonwealth has “no right to prohibit schools from OPENING UP THIS F**CKING PIT.”