Youngkin Calls for Ban on School Books That Teach About Origins of GWAR

FAIRFAX, Va. — Further adding to his anti-woke crusade, Gov. Youngkin has called for a ban on all school books that teach about the origins of metal band GWAR, sources confirmed Wednesday.

“We want to make sure our children are not being indoctrinated by communist, Marxist propaganda at a young age, and that includes any and all references to these scumdog warlords,” a statement from the governor’s office read, stressing that any teachings involving the origins of Oderus Urungus, Beefcake the Mighty, and Balsac The Jaws of Death have zero place in a K-12 curriculum. 

“The liberal agenda is our most dangerous enemy, and any discussions about the extreme origins of GWAR being taught in schools must be stopped by our administration. Our children should not be indoctrinated with alien demon mythology from musicians that aren’t even from Richmond, but from Antarctica, of all places. It’s our responsibility to ensure that our youth aren’t exposed to local music that, despite having helped define Virginia’s unique culture throughout the last 40 years, celebrates extraterrestrial violence, blood, slime, and jizz.”

At the time of reporting, Sleazy P. Martini, GWAR’s longtime manager, had put a bounty on Youngkin’s head, and was preparing for his inevitable execution at one of GWAR’s upcoming shows.