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Richmond Police Chief Remains 100% Certain They May or May Not Have Stopped Mass Shooting

RICHMOND, Va. — Assuring the public that they probably did something, Richmond Police chief Gerald Smith is absolutely certain that they may or may not have stopped a mass shooting planned for July 4th at the Dogwood Dell or perhaps the Diamond or maybe Brown’s Island, the department confirmed Friday.

“I know there is a lot of confusion about what I’ve said so far, but let me make one thing clear: I am 100% certain that we definitely did or didn’t do something,” Smith said in a statement to the press, adding that the department’s actions of arresting two people with less guns on them than a well armed mall security guard based solely on hearsay from one tipster most definitely prevented a mass casualty event, probably. 

“Our intelligence led us to believe that Dogwood Dell may or may not have been part of a shooting plot that may or may not have been planned by one, two, maybe even three or more, people, and for that reason we decided to take action. This is a great example of the old adage ‘if you see something, or even if you don’t see something, but maybe you heard something or even if you didn’t, say something,’ so the police can probably do something. At the end of the day, there wasn’t a mass shooting in Richmond on July 4th if you don’t count the mass shooting that left six people shot on West Broad Street. That one doesn’t count! So, you’re welcome.”

Smith went on to add that he will no longer be taking questions about the alleged July 4th mass shooting plot, unless it is from Anderson Cooper or Gayle King for a national television audience. He also said that the department was already working to stop a mass shooting that may or may not be taking place between now and sometime in the near or distant future.

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