News Peed

Levar Stoney Denies Existence of Richmond Police Department

RICHMOND, Va. — Following the resignation of Chief Smith, Richmond mayor Levar Stoney has not only denied taking responsibility for Smith’s resignation, but has denied the existence of the Richmond Police Department (RPD) entirely, sources confirmed Sunday.

“RPD? Never heard of her,” Stoney said in a statement outside of City Hall, where he assured the press that all of the events over the last few decades involving RPD were mere figments of our imagination. 

“I know Richmond can be a quirky place, but I don’t know anything about a ‘Richmond Police Force.’ It’s not in the books nor is it in the budget anywhere. Perhaps you’re all thinking of Henrico Police? Or the FBI?”

Stoney went on to claim that the white police vehicles seen scattered throughout the city were actually beta vehicles of a local rideshare startup, and that the police station on Grace Street was actually a vehicle auto repair shop. 

“Sorry, but I’ve got nothing for you folks on a Richmond Police Department, and I have no idea who Smith is. I’m sure he’s a nice guy, though.”

The conference ended by Stoney claiming that all crime within the city limits was dealt with by a combination of good samaritans, true crime podcasters, and a few trusty German Shepherds. 

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