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GOP Promises Record Number of Thoughts and Prayers to Combat Gun Violence

WASHINGTON — Following the aftermath of yet another tragic shooting that has left multiple people dead in Chesapeake, Va., Republican leaders throughout the House and Senate announced their promise to combat the nation’s gun violence epidemic with a record breaking amount of thoughts and prayers.

“We’ve already sent hundreds out this year,” Senator Ted Cruz (R-Tx.) announced, admitting that the numerous thoughts and prayers sent out after the Atlanta shooting evidently were not enough to cause change. “The fact that our country has suffered two mass shootings within one week is clearly indicative that something else needs to be done. That is exactly why every last one of us is going to devote even more time to cranking out well-wishes and invocations on social media until this horrible problem is fixed. Lindsey Graham got a head start on them yesterday before breaking for dinner.”

“We plan to use any and all resources available — tweets, social media posts, hashtags, you name it — to help resolve this rampant crisis by means of our sincere thoughts and prayers.”

Cruz went on to dismiss other possible solutions to America’s rampant gun violence, citing the uncertainty of legislative action. “We believe that concrete legislation regarding gun control, mental health reform, or anything else is too unreliable and probably won’t have any effect, so we plan to increase our efforts of doing exactly the same thing we’ve done in the past. We pray that this time it is enough.”

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