Report: Fuck 2023

EVERYWHERE — Following what was undoubtedly one of the most infamous years on the books, Virginians everywhere have already begun cursing the forthcoming year 2023, officials confirmed Friday. 

“We don’t care if the worst is behind us—as far we’re concerned, 2023 can go fuck itself too,” Dennis Chisolm, 35, of Warrenton, said in a statement, adding that he had very little hope that the new year could really turn things around for everyone.

“Sure, 2022 was a complete shitshow, but 2023 hasn’t done a damn thing to prove itself any better, so why be optimistic about it? We still have COVID-19, Monkeypox, and Amanda Chase on the planet, we’re dealing with global inflation, and the traffic around Northern Virginia is still a complete nightmare. So 2023 can crawl back up the hole it came from and fuck right off. I mean, if we can spring forward and fall back and all that other horseshit, we can just say it’s 2024! Why the hell not?!”

At the time of reporting, residents across the commonwealth were calling for 2023 to banish itself to West Virginia so Virginians could skip ahead to 2024.