CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Sadly watching as he plays second fiddle to yet another craft beer, an aged can of Bud Light hopelessly watched as more IPAs took front and center in the beer cooler for the fifth consecutive week, sources confirmed Saturday.
“Every fuckin’ week, it’s the exact same thing with the local IPAs,” the light beer said in a statement, noting the drawbacks of being placed towards the back of the cooler.
“Everyone knows the front of the cooler is prime real estate, and I feel like I’ve earned that after being continuously placed behind a Starr Hill IPA, or something from Wild Wolf — the list goes on. It could be days before the frontline reaches me, and by then who knows what the next shipment for our cooler will be. If it’s Devil’s Backbone, I’m fucked.”
The can of beer also mentioned that he and his fellow brews — all of whom have been repeatedly situated towards the back of the cooler — have considered changing shops and subsequent coolers, but admitted that they’d likely face the same treatment at most other local markets.
“I may not be a spring chicken anymore,” the beer continued,” and I honestly get the appeal of catering to local breweries, but my brand has stood the test of time, and we deserve a shot at the front every now and then. Besides, aren’t the storehands supposed to rotate inventory out as to prevent product from expiring? This is outright neglect in more ways than one.”
At the time of reporting, the Bud Light cans were considering unionizing under the pretense of accessible real estate and cooler placement for all.