Classified Documents Found in Joe Morrisey Residence Showing He Has Seven More Kids Than He Thought

RICHMOND, Va. — In a complete surprise to absolutely nobody, a search of Sen. Joe Morrissey’s (D-16) home found documents revealing his fathership to seven more kids than he knew about, sources confirmed Wednesday.

“The search of Mr. Morrissey’s home is just a ploy from Youngkin to slander his character,” a statement from Morrissey’s office read, adding that the totally-scandal-free statesman would nonetheless cooperate with the findings. 

“The documents may show that he’s got one — maybe two, or even three — more kids than he remembered, but until we’ve done a paternity test or looked at his Hinge profile for a potential match, let’s not jump to conclusions. The documents still need to be fully analyzed by the authorities to see if Mr. Morrissey committed any foul play we don’t already know about, and until that inevitably happens, he does not concede to any wrongdoing.”

At the time of reporting, a statement from his separated wife Myrna simply stated “wow, definitely never saw that one coming.”