NoVa Officials Finalize State Border Wall To Protect From Possible Invasion of Philadelphia Eagles Fans

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — In an effort to protect the Commonwealth from a possible influx of rioting Eagles fans, officials in Northern Virginia have nearly completed a 20’ border wall running the length of the state line, sources confirmed Sunday.

“It doesn’t matter if they win or lose the Super Bowl — the threat of Philly fans is legitimate and unpredictable, and must be taken seriously,” Jane McDonahue, a spokesperson for the Alexandria Police, said in a statement, adding that Gov. Youngkin had declared a state of emergency ahead of the game through Monday.

“The National Guard has been activated and deployed to oversee the security of the wall and our northern border. Even though they would have to cross through the entire state of Maryland, that may prove to be a walk in the park to police horse-punching Philadelphians following a victory. We trust the wall, which runs the full length of the Potomac River on the state line, will keep out a potential influx of shitfaced rioting fans, but we do plan to have multiple resources in place following the big game, and any breaches will be met with adequate force.”

McDonahue added that while they were confident in their defenses, they were still working on a plan in the event the great Philadelphia warrior Gritty was in the crowd.