Mechanicsville Pledges War on Nation if Trump Is Arrested

MECHANICSVILLE, Va. — Warning of what they describe as a full-scale offensive to preserve American freedom, the entire town of Mechanicsville has promised a war with the rest of the nation in the event former President Trump is arrested in the coming days, sources confirmed Monday.

“Make no mistake, if Donald J. Trump is arrested by the corrupt liberals he bravely stood up against, then we will stop at nothing until he’s free and walking the halls of the White House again,” Joey McMills, a spokesperson for The Sons of Patriots’ Freedom Alliance, a local far-right advocacy group and ham radio club, said in a statement, adding that the majority of the few hundred citizens of Mechanicsville were ready to take up arms for Trump if necessary.

“We’ve contacted everyone in the local community — Larry over on 360 will close up his auto shop for however long necessary, Joyce and Dave will close up the barbecue restaurant to provide food for our cause, and together we’ll march towards our nation’s capital in the name of truth and justice. Every last one of us, from one end of the turnpike to the other, is lock, stock, and ready to gas up our F-150s and go. We ain’t going to stop at Washington, either. We’ll march to Maryland, Pennsylvania, and even to the liberal cesspool of New York City if the gas prices aren’t too high.”

When asked whether or not he was confident the entire community of Mechanicsville could take on the rest of the United States in battle, McMills referred to an early South Park episode involving a Confederate reenactment group taking over the nation:

“If it almost worked on South Park, then it will damn well work in real life.”