Articles by Jenna Carley

Chief Martin Brody Declares Pony Pasture Closed Amid Shark Threat

RICHMOND, Va. — Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, Chief Martin Brody, formerly of the Amity Island Police Department and currently serving as the James River Park System Superintendent, has declared that Pony Pasture [read more ... ]

Terry McAuliffe Challenges Entire CNN Newsroom to Game of Flip Cup After Chris Cuomo Interview

ATLANTA — Insisting that there would be enough time in the upcoming commercial break for a full game, former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe challenged CNN’s newsroom to a game of flip cup following his appearance on Cuomo Prime Time, sources [read more ... ]

Officials Warn Attacks From Terrorist Organization Known as “Seasonal Allergies” on the Rise

RICHMOND, Va. — A joint investigation between the Virginia Department of Health and the Virginia State Police has uncovered a plot by noted terrorist organization Seasonal Allergies to infect the state with nasal and upper respiratory symptoms [read more ... ]

VDOT to Install Porta Potties on Hampton Roads Bridge-Tunnel

HAMPTON, Va. — Citing the continued increase of heavy traffic on Interstate 64, VDOT has announced the addition of porta potties on the Hampton Roads Bridge-Tunnel, sources confirmed Monday. According to a press release from Ryan Kilbourne, Deputy [read more ... ]

Jeans Still Damp After Seventh Cycle in Fan Apartment Dryer

RICHMOND, Va. — Fan resident Abby Marino reported that even after a seventh run through the dryer, the pair of jeans she was attempting to dry before work were still a little damp. Marino moved into her apartment, located on the corner of Floyd [read more ... ]

Nobody Wants to Admit Critically Acclaimed Film Actually Really Boring at French Film Festival

RICHMOND, Va. — At Richmond’s French Film Festival last night, a screening of the critically acclaimed French-language movie “Au Bon Pain” was applauded by the audience, even though they were all visibly bored by it. RELATED (article [read more ... ]

After Long-Standing Rivalry With Cockroaches, House Centipedes Dubbed Official Pest of Norfolk

NORFOLK, Va. — After years locked in an intense stalemate over which household pest reigns supreme, the Norfolk City Council has announced that house centipedes, not cockroaches, will now be the official pest of Norfolk. RELATED (article continued [read more ... ]

Following Lengthy Investigation, Richmond Police Charge Arthur Ashe Monument With Assault Against Children

RICHMOND, Va. — Richmond Police Chief William C. Smith held a press conference this morning to proudly announce the arrest of the Arthur Ashe Monument. RELATED (article continued below): Support our mission to help spread the word of satire by [read more ... ]

Sims-Themed Bar Shuts Down After Customers Stay for Seven Hours and Only Buy One Beer

RICHMOND, Va. — Citing a lack of revenue from patrons who spent all of their time fixated on their fantasy worlds, a Sims-themed bar closed its doors this week after only two months of operation. RELATED (article continued below): Help us continue [read more ... ]