Articles by Jenna Carley

Supervillain Jeff Bezos Uses Government Shutdown to Steal All National Monuments

WASHINGTON — Broadcasting live from the bowels of his new lair in Crystal City, Amazon CEO and unapologetic supervillain Jeff Bezos announced yesterday that he had taken advantage of the government shutdown in Washington to finally fulfill his [read more ... ]

Chesterfield Libertarian Maintaining Erection Throughout Government Shutdown

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — A prominent Libertarian and retired employee of the Pawnee, Indiana government has reported the current federal government shutdown has left him with a constant erection, sources confirmed Thursday. RELATED (article continued [read more ... ]

Spanberger Dons Hazmat Suit to Remove Toxic Masculinity From Brat’s Office

WASHINGTON — A routine inspection of Dave Brat’s former office by the Occupational Safety and Health Administration showed critically unsafe levels of toxic masculinity. Upon its discovery last week, workers immediately sealed his office and [read more ... ]

Future President of United States Currently Puking Behind a Dumpster in Georgetown

WASHINGTON — Leaning over a festering garbage bag full of expired foie gras and duck confit, Georgetown swim team captain and future president of the United States Travis Bellington is currently heaving his ever-loving guts out, according to [read more ... ]

Spotsylvania Voted “Best Place to Drive Past” Fifth Year in a Row

FREDERICKSBURG, Va. — For the fifth consecutive year, Spotsylvania County claimed victory today in the Virginia Tourism Board’s (VTB) annual “Best Place to Drive Past” contest. The winner was revealed by Amanda Conrad, a representative from [read more ... ]

Norfolk Dad on Family Shopping Trip Upset Only Bench Outside of Victoria’s Secret Already Taken

NORFOLK, Va. — Unwilling to face his daughter’s sexuality, Ghent resident Larry Ramsey was forced to stand awkwardly outside the Victoria’s Secret in MacArthur Center yesterday after discovering the nearby bench was already occupied by another [read more ... ]

Dominion Announced as Primary Coal Ash Supplier for Santa

NORTH POLE — As Christmas quickly approaches, Santa Claus announced today at his headquarters that Dominion Energy would be providing coal ash for all the naughty kids of the world. RELATED (article continued below): Need to get something other [read more ... ]

New Research Reveals That Absolutely Nobody in Virginia Should Drive in Snow

FAIRFAX, Va. — A new study conducted by researchers at George Mason University has unveiled that Virginia citizens should never be allowed to drive in the snow, regardless of circumstance. The experiment consisted of observing people from various [read more ... ]

Modern Day Supervillain Chooses Crystal City for Second Lair

NATIONAL LANDING, Va. — In a highly anticipated announcement, earlier this week e-commerce juggernaut Amazon revealed that it had selected Long Island City, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia, as the sites for Amazon founder and Lex Luthor [read more ... ]