Articles by The Peedmont Staff

“You Can’t Catch Me!” Yells Drunk, Naked Man After Taking Last Case of Hardywood Gingerbread Stout at Whole Foods

RICHMOND, Va. — Shoppers at the Short Pump Whole Foods Market were reportedly robbed of good cheer on Thursday after an inebriated man in his birthday suit absconded with the store’s last case of Hardywood Gingerbread Stout. RELATED (article [read more ... ]

We Tried to Rank the Restaurants in South Hill but Our Reporter Refused to Go, so This Is What We Assume They Are

In the era of hip restaurants and foodie culture, we at The Peedmont would be remiss if we didn’t tap into this trend and search for the best meals Virginia has to offer. Rather than tour the obvious culinary centers of Richmond or Williamsburg, [read more ... ]

Report: Short Pump Market Strong Enough for Second Olive Garden Location

SHORT PUMP, Va. — An exhaustive two-year cost-benefit analysis by Darden Restaurants, Inc. has determined that the Short Pump market is strong enough for a second Olive Garden location, sources confirmed today. RELATED (article continued below): [read more ... ]

Lame Ambulance Driver Doesn’t Turn Siren on During Parade

RICHMOND, Va. — Citing a mild hangover and a general lack of fucks to give, Timothy Fortner, a local first responder and ambulance driver, refused to turn on the ambulance’s siren during this morning’s Dominion Energy Christmas Parade. [read more ... ]

Levar Stoney Frantically Searches City Hall Closet for Extension Cord for RVA Illuminates

RICHMOND, Va. — Racing against time, Mayor Levar Stoney was seen desperately searching a storage closet in city hall for an extension cord needed for RVA Illuminates, city officials confirmed Friday. “Oh, no. No. No. No,” Stoney told [read more ... ]

Flaming Heap of Coal Named Grand Marshall for Dominion Christmas Parade

RICHMOND, Va. — In keeping with the company’s brand of environmentally reckless decisions, the grand marshal for the annual Dominion Energy Christmas Parade this Saturday will be a heap of burning coal, Dominion Energy announced today. [read more ... ]

Dominion to Bulldoze Median Trees to Make Way for Christmas Parade

RICHMOND, Va. — Dominion Energy announced today that it intends to plow through the medians and trees along the route of its annual Christmas parade. Citing the lack of space available for floats and attendees, the company plans to have bulldozers [read more ... ]

VCU Student Quits Drama-Filled Restaurant For Another Drama-Filled Restaurant

RICHMOND, Va. — Having had enough of that bitch Taylor’s bullshit, VCU student McKenzie Ellis abruptly quit her stressful job as a server at Metro Bar & Grill last week for an equally stressful opportunity at Kabana Rooftop, sources [read more ... ]

Virginia Tech Offensive Line to Be Tested for Performance-Diminishing Drugs

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Following a fourth quarter collapse against their longtime rival, the Virginia Cavaliers, in Friday’s Commonwealth Cup, the offensive line of the Virginia Tech Hokies is now suspected of using performance-diminishing drugs [read more ... ]