NoVA & DC

Entire Family Reported Missing in Renaissance Festival Wench’s Cleavage

CROWNSVILLE, Md. — Police were baffled Saturday when a family of four went missing in a wench’s cleavage at the annual Maryland Renaissance Festival. The Mitchell family — David, 46, Anne, 43, and their children Charles, 11, and Scott, 9 — [read more ... ]

GMU Freshman with 500+ Connections on LinkedIn Thinks He’s Some Kind of Big Shot

FAIRFAX, Va — In a probably unprecedented turn of events, GMU freshman Austin Wilson revealed today that he has hit over 500 connections on his LinkedIn profile. “I got 500 plus connections on LinkedIn,” Wilson yelled, gleefully yet [read more ... ]

Your Mom’s Favorite Band Playing Wolf Trap Next Week

VIENNA, Va. — The Wolf Trap National Park for the Performing Arts’ offerings will reach a true crescendo next week when your mom’s favorite band takes the stage one last time for their seventh Farewell tour in the last three decades, reports [read more ... ]

Arlington Trivia Team Unable to Agree on Snarky Name, Disbands

ARLINGTON, Va. — Unable to handle the pressures of choosing a snarky yet sophisticated name for their group, an Arlington-based trivia team has chosen to disband and dissolve its membership effective immediately. Witnesses to the dispute claim [read more ... ]

Guy on DC Metro Not Using Any Handrails for Assistance Must Be Total Badass

WASHINGTON — Impressing onlookers with his cool demeanor as he stood firmly in place, that one guy on the DC metro not using any handrails for assistance must be a complete badass, sources confirmed Monday. RELATED (article continued below): [read more ... ]

GOP Promises Record Number of Thoughts and Prayers to Combat Gun Violence

WASHINGTON — Following the aftermath of yet another tragic school shooting that has left multiple people dead in El Paso, TX, GOP leaders announced their promise to combat the nation’s gun violence epidemic with a record breaking amount of [read more ... ]

Terry McAuliffe Dragged out by Event Security After Trying to Rush Democratic Primary Debate Stage

DETROIT — In a decision fueled by political determination and a blood alcohol concentration level of 0.12, former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe was forcibly dragged out of the Democratic primary debate after attempting to rush the stage, sources [read more ... ]

Band Performing in D.C. Forgets to Prepare Uninformed Political Statement Before Concert

WASHINGTON — Local indie punk band Black Vulture forgot to deliver an uneducated political statement during their concert at the Black Cat, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We got to the start of the encore, and totally blanked on my diatribe about [read more ... ]

VDOT Announces Initiative to Aimlessly Move Construction Equipment From One Side of I-495 to the Other

FAIRFAX, Va. — In their latest upkeep effort for the commonwealth’s roads, the Virginia Department of Transportation (VDOT) announced that it will aimlessly move construction equipment from one side of the I-495 beltway to the other, sources [read more ... ]