NoVA & DC

NoVa Officials Finalize State Border Wall To Protect From Possible Invasion of Philadelphia Eagles Fans

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — In an effort to protect the Commonwealth from a possible influx of rioting Eagles fans, officials in Northern Virginia have nearly completed a 20’ border wall running the length of the state line, sources confirmed Sunday. [read more ... ]

GOP Promises Record Number of Thoughts and Prayers to Combat Gun Violence

WASHINGTON — Following the aftermath of yet another tragic shooting that has left multiple people dead in Chesapeake, Va., Republican leaders throughout the House and Senate announced their promise to combat the nation’s gun violence epidemic [read more ... ]

Soccer Bro Rises from Hibernation to Condescendingly Explain Offside to Bar During World Cup

ARLINGTON, Va. — Upon receiving word that the 2018 World Cup in Russia was about to begin, Arlington resident Joe O’Connor has finally arisen from his four-year hibernation to explain offsides and other rules of the game, sources confirmed [read more ... ]

Local Fourth Grader Takes First At Annual Spotsylvania Easter Egg Deathmatch

SPOTSYLVANIA, Va. — It was a harrowing spectacle Sunday morning when rugged nine-year-old Andrew Murray emerged from a thicket near Spotsylvania Library and Arena, desperately clutching two handfuls of plastic eggs against his tattered armor and [read more ... ]

Lame Freedom Trucker Doesn’t Even Honk Horn for Bystanders on Sidewalk

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Arlington Bro Not Having Best Luck With “So Did You Get Vaccinated” Icebreaker on Tinder

ARLINGTON, Va. — A local man in Northern Virginia’s dating scene, Chet Hastings, has expressed extreme disappointment that his standard opening line of “so did you get vaccinated,” has met with a lackluster response, dating officials [read more ... ]

Arlington Consultant Bro Poor Shamed for Qualifying for Stimulus Relief

ARLINGTON, Va. — News broke today that Brad Starr, a Deloitte consultant in Arlington, may qualified for an additional stimulus relief payment in what co-workers and friends are calling, “a total peasant move, bro.” RELATED (article [read more ... ]

Virginia General Assembly Relocated 500 Feet Away From School Tours to Accommodate Joe Morrissey

RICHMOND, Va. — Members of the Virginia General Assembly were forced to relocate on the first day of the 2020 legislative session because the presence of Sen. Joe Morrisey conflicted with a pre-planned tour of high school students, sources [read more ... ]

Trump Supporter With COVID-19 Ditches Ventilator To Boo at Biden Inauguration

WASHINGTON — Claiming it was his civic duty to stand against the tyranny of Joe Biden’s presidency, Mechanicsville resident Mike Smithwick, who has been fighting off a severe case of COVID-19 for two weeks, opted to ditch his ventilator so he [read more ... ]