NoVA & DC

Manassas Resident Really Stretching Definition of D.C. Area

MANASSAS, Va. — Emphasizing that his hometown lies only a few minutes away from the nation’s capitol, Manassas resident Jacob Rich is really stretching the definition of the D.C. area, sources confirmed Sunday. Rich was recently seen in a [read more ... ]

Tim Kaine Rejected by Fifth Jam Band He Tries to Join

ARLINGTON, Va. — A devastated Sen. Tim Kaine has just been rejected as the harmonica player for local jam band Intergalactic HASHbrown Experience, sources confirmed Friday. RELATED (article continued below): Terry McAuliffe Drunkenly Screams for [read more ... ]

McAuliffe Plays Edward Fortyhands While Announcing Exploratory Committee to One-Up Elizabeth Warren

MCLEAN, Va. — Former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe announced his intention to run for president today from the comfort of his home in McLean, reportedly while playing the popular binge drinking game Edward Fortyhands. RELATED (article continued [read more ... ]

DC Bar Bans Question ‘What do you do?’ Happy Hour Silent

WASHINGTON — Following a new ban on the common greeting “What do you do?” the patrons of a popular D.C. bar have gone silent, sources confirmed Sunday. Bar Charley, a lively spot for young professionals, instituted the policy last week in an [read more ... ]

Arlington Trivia Team Unable to Agree on Snarky Name, Disbands

ARLINGTON, Va. — Unable to handle the pressures of choosing a snarky yet sophisticated name for their group, an Arlington-based trivia team has chosen to disband and dissolve its membership effective immediately. Witnesses to the dispute claim [read more ... ]

White Woman’s Brunch Plans Threaten Possibility of Attending Women’s March

ALEXANDRIA, Va. –– Completely torn between her feminist leanings and her love for brioche French toast, local white woman Ashley Evans fears that her upcoming brunch plans will interfere with her intention of attending the Women’s March on [read more ... ]

Supervillain Jeff Bezos Uses Government Shutdown to Steal All National Monuments

WASHINGTON — Broadcasting live from the bowels of his new lair in Crystal City, Amazon CEO and unapologetic supervillain Jeff Bezos announced yesterday that he had taken advantage of the government shutdown in Washington to finally fulfill his [read more ... ]

Guy Who Does Nothing for the Cause Marks Interested on Women’s March Facebook Event for Feminist Brownie Points

FAIRFAX, Va. — Despite contributing nothing toward the cause as a whole, Fairfax resident Brian Bellfield has shared on Facebook that he is interested in attending this year’s Women’s March. RELATED (article continued below): Trump Team [read more ... ]

Crystal City Regretting Amazon Contract Clause Calling for the Sacrifice of First Born Children for New HQ

CRYSTAL CITY, Va. — Explaining that the number of children to be slaughtered was starting to add up, officials in Crystal City are attempting to renegotiate a clause in their Amazon HQ2 bid contract that called for the sacrificing of first-born [read more ... ]