NoVA & DC

Alexandria Stoner Proposes Milk and Cookie Bar Idea for Fifth Time Today

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Living up to his reputation as a man with many plans and absolutely no follow through, area stoner Max Kurtz has shocked exactly no one by coming up with the idea for a milk and cookie bar for the fifth time today. Sources close [read more ... ]

Desperate Man in Lockdown Finally Pops Question to Particularly Shapely Table Lamp

DUMFRIES, Va. — After nearly four weeks of extreme social isolation and numerous furtive glances over breakfast beers, Dumfries resident Matt Phillips, 29, finally proposed marriage to the shapely Tvürfot table lamp in his living room, sources [read more ... ]

Richmond Young Professional Only Mentions “Lower Cost of Living” 34 Times in Conversation with D.C. Colleagues

WASHINGTON — At a recent Capital One team conference in Washington D.C., Richmond resident Alicia Erikson took it upon herself to tell her colleagues multiple times of the lower cost of living she benefits from in central Virginia. “Just so [read more ... ]

Arlington Consultant Bro Poor Shamed for Qualifying for Stimulus Relief

ARLINGTON, Va. — News broke today that Brad Starr, a Deloitte consultant in Arlington, qualified for the $1,200 stimulus relief payment in what co-workers and friends are calling, “a total peasant move, bro.” RELATED (article continued [read more ... ]

Company’s Professional Attire Policy Revised to “For Shit’s Sake Please Put on Pants”

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Having grown tired of seeing the gangly, hirsute legs of its entire workforce on Zoom conference calls, the law firm of Loza, Stiefez, Elam, & Mortimer has amended its professional attire policy to “For Shit’s Sake Please [read more ... ]

In Light of ‘Fund Our Future’ Rally, Northam Bans No. 2 Pencils

RICHMOND, Va. — Following the ‘Fund Our Future’ rally in which hundreds of teachers protested for increased funding for public schools, Gov. Ralph Northam has instituted a temporary ban on No. 2 pencils in the classroom. RELATED (article [read more ... ]

Area Woman Expected to Still Call Publix “Ukrop’s”

COLONIAL HEIGHTS, Va. — In what many are calling a harrowing display of dedication and brand loyalty, Short Pump resident Martha DeFord, 54, is expected to refer to Publix as “Ukrop’s” even after the upcoming switch-over. Witnesses report [read more ... ]

Manassas Resident Really Stretching Definition of D.C. Area

MANASSAS, Va. — Emphasizing that his hometown lies only a few minutes away from the nation’s capitol, Manassas resident Jacob Rich is really stretching the definition of the D.C. area, sources confirmed Sunday. Rich was recently seen in a [read more ... ]

Virginia General Assembly Relocated 500 Feet Away From School Tours to Accommodate Joe Morrissey

RICHMOND, Va. — Members of the Virginia General Assembly were forced to relocate on the first day of the 2020 legislative session because the presence of Sen. Joe Morrisey conflicted with a pre-planned tour of high school students, sources [read more ... ]