NoVA & DC

Terry McAuliffe Dragged out by Event Security After Trying to Rush Presidential Debate Stage

CLEVELAND, Oh. — In a decision fueled by political determination and a blood alcohol concentration level of 0.12, former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe was forcibly dragged out of the 2020 Presidential Debate after attempting to rush the stage, [read more ... ]

Drunk Terry McAuliffe Seen Running Down the Street Making Airplane Noises

MCLEAN, Va. — A heavily intoxicated Terry McAuliffe was spotted yesterday running down Balls Hill Road in a zigzag pattern while making airplane noises, sources reported. Witnesses said that the former governor held up traffic as he made several [read more ... ]

Georgetown Alumnus Makes Sure You’re Aware He Knows Three Politicians Personally

WASHINGTON — Several Georgetown students were reportedly blown away during a Sunday afternoon networking event at the popular college bar, The Tombs, when recent alumnus Paul Brownstone assured his fellow Hoyas in no uncertain terms that he knew [read more ... ]

Manassas Resident Really Stretching Definition of D.C. Area

MANASSAS, Va. — Emphasizing that his hometown lies only a few minutes away from the nation’s capitol, Manassas resident Jacob Rich is really stretching the definition of the D.C. area, sources confirmed Sunday. Rich was recently seen in a [read more ... ]

Guy on DC Metro Not Using Any Handrails for Assistance Must Be Total Badass

WASHINGTON — Impressing onlookers with his cool demeanor as he stood firmly in place, that one guy on the DC metro not using any handrails for assistance must be a complete badass, sources confirmed Monday. RELATED (article continued below): [read more ... ]

Well-Meaning Pot Head donates Vaporizer to Inova Fairfax Hospital

FAIRFAX, Va. — Saddened by the unnecessary loss of life caused by COVID-19, well-meaning pothead Lance Garcia, donated his vaporizer to Inova Fairfax Hospital’s critical care unit. A devoted stoner, Garcia said that he watches a lot of daytime [read more ... ]

VDOT Announces Initiative to Aimlessly Move Construction Equipment From One Side of I-495 to the Other

FAIRFAX, Va. — In their latest upkeep effort for the commonwealth’s roads, the Virginia Department of Transportation (VDOT) announced that it will aimlessly move construction equipment from one side of the I-495 beltway to the other, sources [read more ... ]

Alexandria Stoner Proposes Milk and Cookie Bar Idea for Fifth Time Today

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Living up to his reputation as a man with many plans and absolutely no follow through, area stoner Max Kurtz has shocked exactly no one by coming up with the idea for a milk and cookie bar for the fifth time today. Sources close [read more ... ]

Desperate Man in Lockdown Finally Pops Question to Particularly Shapely Table Lamp

DUMFRIES, Va. — After nearly four weeks of extreme social isolation and numerous furtive glances over breakfast beers, Dumfries resident Matt Phillips, 29, finally proposed marriage to the shapely Tvürfot table lamp in his living room, sources [read more ... ]