NoVA & DC

Duke’s Mayo Acquisition Reminds Rest of Nation That Virginia Still Only State That Enjoys Tomato and Mayo Sandwiches

RICHMOND Va. — Following the acquisition of the C.F. Sauer Company, best known for producing Duke’s Mayo, by the Charlotte-based venture capital firm Falfurrias, additional sources confirmed Saturday that Virginia was still the only state in the [read more ... ]

Georgetown Alumnus Makes Sure You’re Aware He Knows Three Politicians Personally

WASHINGTON — Several Georgetown students were reportedly blown away during a Sunday afternoon networking event at the popular college bar, The Tombs, when recent alumnus Paul Brownstone assured his fellow Hoyas in no uncertain terms that he knew [read more ... ]

Audi A7 Just Cut Six People off Behind You on the Beltway and You’re Next

TYSONS, Va. — A car has been seen weaving in and out of traffic during rush hour on the Capital Beltway, and sources have confirmed that it is now your turn to get cut off. The luxury automobile seems to be approaching rapidly as it slices through [read more ... ]

Drunk Terry McAuliffe Seen Running Down the Street Making Airplane Noises

MCLEAN, Va. — A heavily intoxicated Terry McAuliffe was spotted yesterday running down Balls Hill Road in a zigzag pattern while making airplane noises, sources reported. Witnesses said that the former governor held up traffic as he made several [read more ... ]

Family Excited to Take Toddler to Historic Battlefield for an Experience She Won’t Remember

MANASSAS, Va. — Citing the need to get an early start on their daughter’s education, Emily and Scott Melnick have planned a trip to Manassas National Battlefield Park for a day of educational entertainment that Olivia, 2, will never remember. [read more ... ]

Op-Ed: I’m an Arlington Yuppie and I Love Rooftop Bars Because I Get to Drink and Look Down on People

ARLINGTON, Va. — Summer is around the corner, the sun is shining, the ladies are unpacking their short shorts, and I’m just standing here in my Ray-Ban wayfarers sipping a Citradelic Tangerine IPA on the roof of some trendy tiki bar judging all [read more ... ]

Manassas Resident Really Stretching Definition of D.C. Area

MANASSAS, Va. — Emphasizing that his hometown lies only a few minutes away from the nation’s capitol, Manassas resident Jacob Rich is really stretching the definition of the D.C. area, sources confirmed Sunday. Rich was recently seen in a [read more ... ]

Tim Kaine Rejected by Fifth Jam Band He Tries to Join

ARLINGTON, Va. — A devastated Sen. Tim Kaine has just been rejected as the harmonica player for local jam band Intergalactic HASHbrown Experience, sources confirmed Friday. RELATED (article continued below): Terry McAuliffe Drunkenly Screams for [read more ... ]

McAuliffe Plays Edward Fortyhands While Announcing Exploratory Committee to One-Up Elizabeth Warren

MCLEAN, Va. — Former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe announced his intention to run for president today from the comfort of his home in McLean, reportedly while playing the popular binge drinking game Edward Fortyhands. RELATED (article continued [read more ... ]