area man

“Did you know that the moonshine in ABC stores is fake?” Says Guy Who Just Fucking Got Here

RICHMOND, Va. — During a recent work happy hour, North Carolina native Steven McComas, who just fucking got here, informed his co-workers that the moonshine sold in ABC stores is actually fake. McComas, who relocated from Raleigh for a job at [read more ... ]

Area Dad Sole Patron of Regency Square Mall Sears

HENRICO, Va. — A recent study has found that local dad, 49-year-old Kurt Maschuli, is the sole patron of the Sears at the Regency Square Mall. RELATED (article continued below): Richmond Prepared to Evacuate if Short Pump Continues to Grow “Did [read more ... ]

“Did You Know There’s a Town in Virginia Called Bumpass?” Says Guy Who Just Fucking Got Here

HENRICO, Va. — Aggravatingly overjoyed at the fact that a town with such a crude sounding name exists in Virginia, Christopher Doyle, a new resident to Henrico, has just discovered the small Louisa community of Bumpass and won’t shut up about [read more ... ]

Report: Area Man Considering Going to Bar After Seeing Bartender’s Facebook Post

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — After hours of scrolling through his lengthy Facebook feed, Crozet resident Matt Thompson is considering going to Commonwealth Restaurant & Skybar tonight after seeing a Facebook post from Connor Hanson. Hanson, a former [read more ... ]

Midlothian Woman Surprised to Find Peak Experiences Doesn’t Sell Sex Toys

MIDLOTHIAN, Va. — Marlene Grimes, a local church secretary, was surprised to discover that Peak Experiences, located in the Bellgrade Shopping Center, is only a climbing gym and doesn’t sell sex toys like she initially believed. Grimes was in [read more ... ]

Area Man Looking Forward to Complaining About Cooler Temperatures

VARINA, Va. — After a summer of brutal heat, Rod Tinsley of Varina is eagerly awaiting the day he can stop complaining about the hot weather and begin criticizing a cooler climate. Tinsley, 49, is that rare breed of curmudgeon that complains about [read more ... ]

Area Man Suffers Heart Attack While Dining at Shyndigz; Family Finishes Dessert Before Calling 911

RICHMOND, Va. — Local Richmond resident, Bob Calhoun, suffered a major heart attack last Thursday while dining at Fan bakery, Shyndigz. He was with his wife and two daughters when he claims he started feeling sharp chest pains and shortness of [read more ... ]

Area Man Patiently Waiting for Business Meeting at Wrong Lamplighter

RICHMOND, Va. — In an extraordinary display of patience, Steve Piers, a freelance photographer and Hopewell resident, waited for a potential client at the Addison Street Lamplighter for over 45 minutes, mistaking the coffee shop’s location for [read more ... ]