arlington

Entire Family Reported Missing in Renaissance Festival Wench’s Cleavage

CROWNSVILLE, Md. — Police were baffled Saturday when a family of four went missing in a wench’s cleavage at the annual Maryland Renaissance Festival. The Mitchell family — David, 46, Anne, 43, and their children Charles, 11, and Scott, 9 — [read more ... ]

Arlington Trivia Team Unable to Agree on Snarky Name, Disbands

ARLINGTON, Va. — Unable to handle the pressures of choosing a snarky yet sophisticated name for their group, an Arlington-based trivia team has chosen to disband and dissolve its membership effective immediately. Witnesses to the dispute claim [read more ... ]

Op-Ed: I’m an Arlington Yuppie and I Love Rooftop Bars Because I Get to Drink and Look Down on People

ARLINGTON, Va. — Summer is around the corner, the sun is shining, the ladies are unpacking their short shorts, and I’m just standing here in my Ray-Ban wayfarers sipping a Citradelic Tangerine IPA on the roof of some trendy tiki bar judging all [read more ... ]

DC Bar Bans Question ‘What do you do?’ Happy Hour Silent

WASHINGTON — Following a new ban on the common greeting “What do you do?” the patrons of a popular D.C. bar have gone silent, sources confirmed Sunday. Bar Charley, a lively spot for young professionals, instituted the policy last week in an [read more ... ]

Guy Who Does Nothing for the Cause Marks Interested on Women’s March Facebook Event for Feminist Brownie Points

FAIRFAX, Va. — Despite contributing nothing toward the cause as a whole, Fairfax resident Brian Bellfield has shared on Facebook that he is interested in attending this year’s Women’s March. RELATED (article continued below): Trump Team [read more ... ]

Crystal City Regretting Amazon Contract Clause Calling for the Sacrifice of First Born Children for New HQ

CRYSTAL CITY, Va. — Explaining that the number of children to be slaughtered was starting to add up, officials in Crystal City are attempting to renegotiate a clause in their Amazon HQ2 bid contract that called for the sacrificing of first-born [read more ... ]

Future President of United States Currently Puking Behind a Dumpster in Georgetown

WASHINGTON — Leaning over a festering garbage bag full of expired foie gras and duck confit, Georgetown swim team captain and future president of the United States Travis Bellington is currently heaving his ever-loving guts out, according to [read more ... ]

Modern Day Supervillain Chooses Crystal City for Second Lair

NATIONAL LANDING, Va. — In a highly anticipated announcement, earlier this week e-commerce juggernaut Amazon revealed that it had selected Long Island City, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia, as the sites for Amazon founder and Lex Luthor [read more ... ]

Alexandria Shuts Down 50 Local Businesses to Create Jobs for Amazon Bid

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — In order to enhance its already incredibly slim chances of winning the HQ2 bid to be the new location for Amazon’s second headquarters, the Alexandria City Council has recently shut down 50 local businesses, sources confirmed [read more ... ]