Chesterfield

Terry McAuliffe Drunkenly Caroling Gets Through Three Bars of “Jingle Bells” Before Passing out on Porch

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — In an effort to get his former constituents in the holiday spirit, a heavily intoxicated former Gov. Terry McAuliffe only made it through the first few verses of “Jingle Bells” before passing out while going door-to-door [read more ... ]

Chesterfield Dad Driven to Day Drinking Trying to Teach Son “New Math”

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — Now that schools in the Commonwealth have closed, parents are being forced to actually pay attention to what their children are learning. Among these new, and thus wrong and frightening, topics is what has been termed “new [read more ... ]

Local Family Celebrates Birth of Jesus by Getting Drunk on a Bus

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — Proclaiming their devotion to the holiday that honors the birth of Jesus, the Mulligan family got completely obliterated on a tacky lights tour bus Saturday night, sources confirm. “We’ve always taken the time to remind our [read more ... ]

Chesterfield County Teacher in Constant State of Arousal at the Thought of Impending Snow Day

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — Describing the feeling as a complete and irresistible tease, Winterpock Elementary School teacher Brian Grandoff has been in a state of arousal on the eve of a potential snow day, sources confirmed Tuesday. “The prospect of [read more ... ]

Midlothian Man Who Never Watches Football Ready to Kill You If You Talk During the Commercials

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — Claiming that the commercials are the most entertaining part of the Super Bowl and that you’d better shut the hell up while they’re on, Midlothian resident Roger Hampton is ready to kill you if you talk during the game’s [read more ... ]

Disagreement Over Pronunciation of Powhite Parkway Leads to Divorce

RICHMOND, Va. — Henrico residents Melinda and Michael Phillips have reportedly filed for an immediate and uncontested divorce. The couple, who just observed their seventh wedding anniversary, claims their marriage has been crumbling for years over [read more ... ]

Midlothian Woman Surprised to Find Peak Experiences Doesn’t Sell Sex Toys

MIDLOTHIAN, Va. — Marlene Grimes, a local church secretary, was surprised to discover that Peak Experiences, located in the Bellgrade Shopping Center, is only a climbing gym and doesn’t sell sex toys like she initially believed. Grimes was in [read more ... ]

Chesterfield Becomes “Sanctuary City” for RVA Bigots Wanting to Leave Downtown

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — During a collaborative Chesterfield County and Richmond City Council meeting on Tuesday, members unanimously voted to make Chesterfield a sanctuary city for Richmond residents who feel that their bigoted attitudes are stifled. [read more ... ]

Chesterfield County Jealous Of Henrico’s New Playground

MIDLOTHIAN, Va. — Following a decision by the Virginia Department of Conservation and Recreation, officials from Chesterfield County are reportedly displeased, dissatisfied, and downright envious of the Commonwealth’s decision to fund a gigantic [read more ... ]