Covid-19

Stoney Petitions Northam to Delay Reopening Until He Can Finally Get Baguettes Right

RICHMOND, Va. — Speaking from his home kitchen via Zoom, Richmond Mayor Levar Stoney stressed the need for patience in the coming days and weeks regarding the quarantine reopening process, claiming that he has yet to achieve two key metrics of [read more ... ]

Virginia Flaggers Debut White Cloth Face Mask to Commemorate Confederacy

RICHMOND, Va. — In honor of those who took second place in the Civil War, the Virginia Flaggers debuted a white cloth face mask today to commemorate the Confederacy as well as complying with Virginia’s new face covering requirements. [read more ... ]

Immunocompromised Fuckboi Still Refuses to Wear Protection

RICHMOND, Va. — Bragging about his ability to handle multiple diseases while still “crushing mad poon,” Oregon Hill fuckboi Kyle Haskins is still refusing to wear a face mask despite being immunocompromised, the piece of shit confirmed [read more ... ]

Still Unclear if Danville Was Ever Open for Business

DANVILLE, Va. — As Virginia’s economy slowly emerges from COVID-19 lockdown, some officials in Gov. Northam’s camp are now wondering if the city of Danville was ever open for business, reports confirmed Friday. RELATED (article continued [read more ... ]

Virginia Public Schools Add COVID-19 Testing to SOLs, Must Score at Least 80% to Pass

RICHMOND, Va. — In an effort to combat the COVID-19 pandemic among Virginia’s youth, today the Virginia Department of Education (VDOE) announced plans to add COVID-19 testing to the end-of-year SOL testing for K-12 grades beginning in 2021. [read more ... ]

We Tried a Flight of Distilleries’ and Breweries’ Hand Sanitizers and Would Actually Prefer a Double IPA, Please

RICHMOND, Va. — Widespread instructions to douse our entire lives with sanitizer have created a massive demand for the alcohol-based disinfectant, leading many businesses impacted by COVID-19 to turn to another potential revenue source: producing [read more ... ]

Jason Mraz Thanks Virginia’s Frontline Personnel by Promising Not to Sing Anything

OCEANSIDE, Calif. — In a move that’s been called “inspiring,” “brave,” and “exactly what we need right now,” singer Jason Mraz has agreed not to perform any of his music for front line workers in the commonwealth, the artist [read more ... ]

Stoney Delays Reopening Until Monuments Are Tested

RICHMOND, Va. — Stressing the importance of testing, Mayor Levar Stoney has made the last minute decision to postpone the initial phase of Richmond’s reopening until the statues of Monument Avenue are tested for COVID-19. RELATED (article [read more ... ]

Desperate Man in Lockdown Finally Pops Question to Particularly Shapely Table Lamp

DUMFRIES, Va. — After nearly four weeks of extreme social isolation and numerous furtive glances over breakfast beers, Dumfries resident Matt Phillips, 29, finally proposed marriage to the shapely Tvürfot table lamp in his living room, sources [read more ... ]