Covid-19

Op-Ed: Can We Just Skip to the Part in “Outbreak” Where We Try to Nuke the Entire City?

Like all of you, I’m sick and tired of this pandemic. I’m tired of working from home and having to deal with my coworker Steve’s shitty internet connection on our Zoom calls. I’m also completely over having to suffer through my partner’s [read more ... ]

COVID-20 Teaser Trailer Released

EVERYWHERE — It’s raising eyebrows and sparking chatter of Oscar contention. The new COVID-20 virus, set to premiere later this year and infect men, women, children, dogs, cats, and some household ferns, has released a startling new teaser [read more ... ]

Ellwood Thompson’s Pledges to Offer Only Free Range COVID-19 Vaccine

RICHMOND, Va. —Holding true to their brand of all-natural grocery selections, Ellwood Thompson’s announced that they will be offering a free-range version of the COVID-19 vaccine, once a vaccine actually exists. RELATED (article continued [read more ... ]

Grubhub Begins Tattoo Delivery in Richmond

RICHMOND, Va. — Deliver-Ink, a new home-tattooing service offered by Grubhub, will begin delivery service throughout the Richmond area next week, some inked up bro named Roy confirmed Monday. RELATED (article continued below): Castleburg Brewery [read more ... ]

Stoney Petitions Northam to Delay Reopening Until He Can Finally Get Baguettes Right

RICHMOND, Va. — Speaking from his home kitchen via Zoom, Richmond Mayor Levar Stoney stressed the need for patience in the coming days and weeks regarding the quarantine reopening process, claiming that he has yet to achieve two key metrics of [read more ... ]

Virginia Flaggers Debut White Cloth Face Mask to Commemorate Confederacy

RICHMOND, Va. — In honor of those who took second place in the Civil War, the Virginia Flaggers debuted a white cloth face mask today to commemorate the Confederacy as well as complying with Virginia’s new face covering requirements. [read more ... ]

Immunocompromised Fuckboi Still Refuses to Wear Protection

RICHMOND, Va. — Bragging about his ability to handle multiple diseases while still “crushing mad poon,” Oregon Hill fuckboi Kyle Haskins is still refusing to wear a face mask despite being immunocompromised, the piece of shit confirmed [read more ... ]

Still Unclear if Danville Was Ever Open for Business

DANVILLE, Va. — As Virginia’s economy slowly emerges from COVID-19 lockdown, some officials in Gov. Northam’s camp are now wondering if the city of Danville was ever open for business, reports confirmed Friday. RELATED (article continued [read more ... ]

Virginia Public Schools Add COVID-19 Testing to SOLs, Must Score at Least 80% to Pass

RICHMOND, Va. — In an effort to combat the COVID-19 pandemic among Virginia’s youth, today the Virginia Department of Education (VDOE) announced plans to add COVID-19 testing to the end-of-year SOL testing for K-12 grades beginning in 2021. [read more ... ]