Covid-19

Northam Kindly Asks Kidnappers to Wash Their Hands Before Dragging Him Out of the Executive Mansion

RICHMOND, Va. — Stressing the importance of safety first, Gov. Ralph Northam politely asked that any potential kidnappers please wash their hands before attempting to take him, the governor requested Wednesday. RELATED (article continued below): [read more ... ]

Governor Northam Unsure How He, His Wife, and Their Pool Boy Tested Positive for COVID-19

RICHMOND, Va. — Making his first public statement since testing positive for COVID-19, Gov. Ralph Northam says he is “categorically unsure” as to how he, his wife Pamela, and their pool boy, Seamus O’Shaughnessy, all contracted the [read more ... ]

We Tried a Flight of Distilleries’ and Breweries’ Hand Sanitizers and Would Actually Prefer a Double IPA, Please

RICHMOND, Va. — Widespread instructions to douse our entire lives with sanitizer have created a massive demand for the alcohol-based disinfectant, leading many businesses impacted by COVID-19 to turn to another potential revenue source: producing [read more ... ]

Daytime Sex Postponed Due To Fifth Grade Daughter’s Virtual Class Schedule

RICHMOND, Va. — Due to the virtual schooling taking place across the commonwealth, a local couple had to postpone their routinely scheduled daytime sex to accommodate the nuisance of having their daughter at home all day, sources confirmed Monday. [read more ... ]

VCU 2020 Football Season Canceled

RICHMOND, Va. — Citing the community’s health and safety as a top priority, VCU announced their decision to cancel the 2020 football season today due to the Covid-19 pandemic. RELATED (article continued below): Op-Ed: I’m an Incoming VCU [read more ... ]

Op-Ed: Can We Just Skip to the Part in “Outbreak” Where We Try to Nuke the Entire City?

Like all of you, I’m sick and tired of this pandemic. I’m tired of working from home and having to deal with my coworker Steve’s shitty internet connection on our Zoom calls. I’m also completely over having to suffer through my partner’s [read more ... ]

COVID-20 Teaser Trailer Released

EVERYWHERE — It’s raising eyebrows and sparking chatter of Oscar contention. The new COVID-20 virus, set to premiere later this year and infect men, women, children, dogs, cats, and some household ferns, has released a startling new teaser [read more ... ]

Ellwood Thompson’s Pledges to Offer Only Free Range COVID-19 Vaccine

RICHMOND, Va. —Holding true to their brand of all-natural grocery selections, Ellwood Thompson’s announced that they will be offering a free-range version of the COVID-19 vaccine, once a vaccine actually exists. RELATED (article continued [read more ... ]

Grubhub Begins Tattoo Delivery in Richmond

RICHMOND, Va. — Deliver-Ink, a new home-tattooing service offered by Grubhub, will begin delivery service throughout the Richmond area next week, some inked up bro named Roy confirmed Monday. RELATED (article continued below): Castleburg Brewery [read more ... ]