Grocery Stores

Fan Resident Dies of Dysentery During Journey to Wegmans

MIDLOTHIAN, Va. — On Wednesday, five roommates embarked from their home in the Fan to Wegmans in the heart of Midlothian. The team started the journey with optimistic anticipation of what the destination had to offer. “We heard Wegmans was a [read more ... ]

BREAKING: Fan Resident Sets Record for Most Bags of Groceries Carried in Single Trip

RICHMOND, Va. — It was a crisp May morning as Fan resident Matthew Gable readied himself for his attempt to break the world record for most bags of groceries carried in a single trip between a car and an apartment kitchen. “I feel satisfied with [read more ... ]

Duke’s Mayo Acquisition Reminds Rest of Nation That Virginia Still Only State That Enjoys Tomato and Mayo Sandwiches

RICHMOND Va. — Following the acquisition of the C.F. Sauer Company, best known for producing Duke’s Mayo, by the Charlotte-based venture capital firm Falfurrias, additional sources confirmed Saturday that Virginia was still the only state in the [read more ... ]

Area Vigilantes Seek Justice Against People Leaving Carts in Grocery Store Aisles

RICHMOND, Va. — Vigilantes hoping to shame people who leave their carts right in the middle of grocery store aisles struck last night at a local Kroger, sources confirmed Tuesday. RELATED (article continued below): Family Has Heated Debate [read more ... ]

Family Has Heated Debate Between Wegmans vs. Publix Then Realize They’re Talking About a Fucking Grocery Store

WILLIAMSBURG, Va. — The atmosphere turned tense after the Bertrands arrived at Grandma’s house this Sunday when the topic of discussion turned to Wegmans versus Publix. Things escalated to a fever pitch until the family realized that they were [read more ... ]