Jeff Bezos

Officials Monitoring Migrant Caravan of Tech Bros Moving Across the US in Search of Amazon Jobs

ARLINGTON, Va. — The announcement of Amazon’s HQ2 location in Arlington has sparked a migrant caravan of tech bros moving across the US in search of job opportunities, sources confirmed Tuesday. RELATED (article continued below): The [read more ... ]

Supervillain Jeff Bezos Uses Government Shutdown to Steal All National Monuments

WASHINGTON — Broadcasting live from the bowels of his new lair in Crystal City, Amazon CEO and unapologetic supervillain Jeff Bezos announced yesterday that he had taken advantage of the government shutdown in Washington to finally fulfill his [read more ... ]

Crystal City Regretting Amazon Contract Clause Calling for the Sacrifice of First Born Children for New HQ

CRYSTAL CITY, Va. — Explaining that the number of children to be slaughtered was starting to add up, officials in Crystal City are attempting to renegotiate a clause in their Amazon HQ2 bid contract that called for the sacrificing of first-born [read more ... ]

Modern Day Supervillain Chooses Crystal City for Second Lair

NATIONAL LANDING, Va. — In a highly anticipated announcement, earlier this week e-commerce juggernaut Amazon revealed that it had selected Long Island City, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia, as the sites for Amazon founder and Lex Luthor [read more ... ]