joe morrissey

Breaking: Politicians Can’t Decide if You’re Better off Dead, or Jobless and Then Dead

RICHMOND, Va. — In an emergency meeting of the General Assembly, politicians from across the commonwealth gathered to settle a pressing question in the midst of the current pandemic: Are you better off dead, or jobless and then dead? [read more ... ]

Trump Drafts Chincoteague Ponies to Form First Space Cavalry

ACCOMACK, Va. — Following a surprise statement earlier this week confirming that the United States would soon have a new branch of the military called the “Space Force,” President Donald Trump made headlines once again by revealing that the [read more ... ]

Virginia General Assembly Relocated 500 Feet Away From School Tours to Accommodate Joe Morrissey

RICHMOND, Va. — Members of the Virginia General Assembly were forced to relocate on the first day of the 2020 legislative session because the presence of Sen. Joe Morrisey conflicted with a pre-planned tour of high school students, sources [read more ... ]

Trump Points to Coal in Stocking as Proof of Virginia Coal Industry Booming

WASHINGTON — Stock prices are expected to soar when trading resumes after President Trump pointed to the vast amounts of coal in his stocking on Christmas morning as definitive proof that Virginia’s coal industry is booming. The President awoke [read more ... ]

Fodder for President Trump’s Twitter Feed Retakes Virginia Senate

RICHMOND, Va. — After a grueling campaign season, the Democrats of Virginia successfully elected new targets to provide plenty of fodder for President Trump’s Twitter feed, the results confirmed Tuesday evening. “It was a big fight that took [read more ... ]

“Who’s Running in This Bitch Again?” Asks Shitfaced Terry McAuliffe in Voting Line on Election Day

RICHMOND, Va. — Reeking of various craft beers, a heavily intoxicated former Gov. Terry McAuliffe loudly yelled for someone to tell him who was running in the election, sources confirmed Tuesday. According to accounts, the former governor arrived [read more ... ]

“Ready to Vote Today, Cowboy?” Reads Monday Morning Text Sent From Drunk Terry McAuliffe to Joe Morrissey

RICHMOND, Va. — As both an act of challenge and a friendly reminder, former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe texted state senate candidate Joe Morrissey while heavily intoxicated asking if he was ready to vote today, sources confirmed Monday. [read more ... ]

Richmond City Council Passes Resolution to Argue More Next Week

RICHMOND, Va. — It was announced this morning that the Richmond City Council successfully passed a resolution granting an immediate continuance to argue more in the coming week. The resolution passed with a rare unanimous vote and came just as the [read more ... ]

Joe Morrissey Vows To Lower Voting Age From 18 to 17

RICHMOND, Va. — On the heels of Super Tuesday’s election, Senator Joe Morrissey (D-16th) announced his proposal to lower the voting age from 18 to 17. The proposal, which political analysts have labeled as somewhere between puzzling, [read more ... ]