Liberty University

Liberty University Announces Plans to be Carbon Ultra-Positive by Mid-2020

LYNCHBURG, Va. — Liberty University’s president Jerry Falwell, Jr., yesterday announced a new initiative called “Carbo Diem” that would make Liberty a certified Carbon Ultra-Positive Facility by June 2020. The certification—provided in a [read more ... ]

GMU Freshman with 500+ Connections on LinkedIn Thinks He’s Some Kind of Big Shot

FAIRFAX, Va — In a probably unprecedented turn of events, GMU freshman Austin Wilson revealed today that he has hit over 500 connections on his LinkedIn profile. “I got 500 plus connections on LinkedIn,” Wilson yelled, gleefully yet [read more ... ]

Virginia Tech Graduate Moves to North Carolina, Shocked That No One Cares About Alma Mater

RALEIGH, N.C. — Frank Wilcox, a member of Virginia Tech’s Class of 2017, learned the hard way that it’s a different world outside of Blacksburg. Upon graduating with a degree in computer science, Wilcox accepted a job at Desai Data Systems in [read more ... ]

William and Mary Campus Police Issue Warning: Line to Enter Swem Library Currently Seven Miles Long

WILLIAMSBURG, Va. — Due to the immense demand for entry to Swem Library during the first week of the spring semester, the William and Mary campus police have just sent out an alert warning that the line to get in is approximately seven miles long. [read more ... ]

UVA Student in Search of Fresh New Monocle Ahead of Fall Semester

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — After a tumultuous first year at the University of Virginia, rising sophomore Samuel Wilkerson has decided to turn things around and start fresh in the fall with the help of a brand new monocle. “When I first arrived at [read more ... ]

Jerry Falwell Jr. Warns Students “Beware the Trap of Trap Music”

LYNCHBURG, Va. — Students attending summer programs at Liberty University received a dire warning from university president Jerry Falwell Jr. during their weekly student convocation: to beware the trap of Trap music. The admonition came after [read more ... ]

Liberty University Overlooks Hebrews 13:4 in Exchange for Strong Option Offense

LYNCHBURG, Va. — Prioritizing the advancement of the school’s football program, Liberty University announced that they were willing to overlook Hebrews 13:4 in order to hire former Mississippi coach Hugh Freeze to lead the Liberty Flames, [read more ... ]

“Well, Can’t Be Worse Than Last Year,” Says JMU Basketball Coach Louis Rowe

HARRISONBURG, Va. — Coming off a disappointing 10-22 season, Louis Rowe, head coach of JMU’s men’s basketball team, is optimistic for the sole reason that expectations could not be lower. Citing scheming issues and the fact that a few teams on [read more ... ]

Local Shop Sells Out of Bob Marley, Boondock Saints Posters as Virginia Tech Students Arrive

BLACKSBURG, Va. — Following the massive influx of freshmen arriving on the Virginia Tech campus, local shop Nice Dreams announced today that they’ve completely run out of Bob Marley and Boondock Saints posters, which they offer in addition to [read more ... ]