Lynchburg

Falwell Offers Liberty Students a Chance to Meet Jesus by the End of the Semester

LYNCHBURG, Va. — Following the decision to allow students to remain on campus during the ongoing COVID-19 pandemic, Liberty University is giving students a chance to meet Jesus Christ by the end of the semester, the school announced Wednesday. [read more ... ]

Young Couple Unable to Reach Climax, Virginia

WHEREABOUTS UNKNOWN, Va. — During what was supposed to be a short weekend getaway, a new couple has found themselves in the unenviable and yet all too common predicament of being unable to reach Climax, Virginia. RELATED (article continued [read more ... ]

Opossum Not Hit by Car on Route 29, Six More Weeks of Unpredictable Weather

ALTAVISTA, Va. — Al the Altavista Opossum, Virginia’s own marsupial meteorologist, did not die on the side of the Route 29 today, meaning that Virginians can look forward to six more weeks of completely unpredictable weather. RELATED (article [read more ... ]

Liberty University Announces Plans to be Carbon Ultra-Positive by Mid-2020

LYNCHBURG, Va. — Liberty University’s president Jerry Falwell, Jr., yesterday announced a new initiative called “Carbo Diem” that would make Liberty a certified Carbon Ultra-Positive Facility by June 2020. The certification—provided in a [read more ... ]

James River Decides to Flow West for the Weekend

RICHMOND, Va. — The James River Association announced today that the James River, locally known as Big Jimmy, will take a three-day weekend this spring and alter its course to flow west. RELATED (article continued below): Support local journalism [read more ... ]

Dillwyn Recognized With “Least Historic Place in Virginia” Award

DILLWYN, Va. — Describing the town’s past as completely void of any notable moments or people in the state’s history, the town of Dillwyn was officially recognized by state officials as the least historic place in Virginia this morning. [read more ... ]

Danville Now Selling for Five Easy Payments of $19.99

DANVILLE, Va. — Citing a lack of any meaningful revenue and minimal interest by anyone with an employment history, the City of Danville has decided to sell itself on QVC for five easy payments of $19.99. RELATED (article continued below): Need a [read more ... ]

“Speed Limits Aren’t Actually Enforced by Aircraft” Says Guy Who Just Fucking Got Here

LYNCHBURG, Va. — In what he presumably thought was an earth-shattering revelation, new Virginia resident Dan Bokman shared with some friends at a Lynchburg bar that he was “pretty sure speed limits aren’t actually enforced by aircraft on [read more ... ]

Virginia Flaggers Erect Over I-64

IN THE MIDDLE OF A GODDAMN FIELD IN LOUISA, Va. — Members of the Virginia Flaggers stood at rigid attention and gave a full salute as a large Confederate flag was raised to flap in the breeze over Interstate 64 in Louisa County. Members of the [read more ... ]