Northam

Polling Shows Healthcare, Ending Goddamn Campaign Commercials Top Issues in Tuesday’s Election

RICHMOND, Va. — A new poll of voters across the commonwealth revealed that the top issues people are focusing on in Tuesday’s elections are healthcare and putting an end to the goddamn campaign commercials. RELATED (article continued [read more ... ]

In Stunning Trade off, Gov. Northam Legalizes Marijuana and Makes Alcohol Illegal

RICHMOND, Va. — On the heels of Governor Northam’s historic announcement that marijuana will soon be legalized in the Commonwealth, sources confirmed that another, decidedly less groovy, law is set to take effect this summer, the return of [read more ... ]

Northam Grants Death Penalty Exception To Executions at GWAR Shows

RICHMOND, Va. — In an effort to uphold a popular and longstanding tradition of the community, any abolition of the death penalty will not apply to executions at GWAR shows, Gov. Northam confirmed Wednesday. RELATED (article continued below): Kim [read more ... ]

In Light of ‘Fund Our Future’ Rally, Northam Bans No. 2 Pencils

RICHMOND, Va. — Following the ‘Fund Our Future’ rally in which hundreds of teachers protested for increased funding for public schools, Gov. Ralph Northam has instituted a temporary ban on No. 2 pencils in the classroom. RELATED (article [read more ... ]

Northam Seen Taking Bolt Scooter From Executive Mansion to Work

RICHMOND, Va. — Gov. Ralph Northam was observed this week taking a Bolt scooter from the Executive Mansion to Capitol Square to begin his workday. According to sources, the harrowing five-minute walk was lessened to approximately four minutes and [read more ... ]