Northern Virginia

Officials Monitoring Migrant Caravan of Tech Bros Moving Across the US in Search of Amazon Jobs

ARLINGTON, Va. — The announcement of Amazon’s HQ2 location in Arlington has sparked a migrant caravan of tech bros moving across the US in search of job opportunities, sources confirmed Tuesday. RELATED (article continued below): The holidays [read more ... ]

“Actually, Nothing Really Happens at Bunny Man Bridge on Halloween” Says Guy Who Just Fucking Got Here

FAIRFAX, Va. — Casually explaining the urban legends to people who likely already know the truth, Christopher Doyle, a new resident of Fairfax, clarified that nothing really happens at Bunny Man Bridge on Halloween, sources confirmed Tuesday. [read more ... ]

Georgetown Alumnus Makes Sure You’re Aware He Knows Three Politicians Personally

WASHINGTON — Several Georgetown students were reportedly blown away during a Sunday afternoon networking event at the popular college bar, The Tombs, when recent alumnus Paul Brownstone assured his fellow Hoyas in no uncertain terms that he knew [read more ... ]

Arlington Trivia Team Unable to Agree on Snarky Name, Disbands

ARLINGTON, Va. — Unable to handle the pressures of choosing a snarky yet sophisticated name for their group, an Arlington-based trivia team has chosen to disband and dissolve its membership effective immediately. Witnesses to the dispute claim [read more ... ]

UN Officially Classifies NOVA Traffic As Crime Against Humanity

NEW YORK — The United Nations (UN) announced this week that traffic in Northern Virginia, known colloquially as NOVA, is now a formally recognized crime against humanity. This move came after the International Criminal Court, based in the Hague, [read more ... ]

Northern Virginia Woman Who Doesn’t Own Bryce Harper Jersey Banned from All Dating Sites

ARLINGTON, Va. — Arlington resident, Amanda Joyce, recently received notice from multiple dating sites that they will no longer support any of her profiles and have banned her entirely. RELATED (article continued below): Ancient Cave Paintings [read more ... ]

Mayor Levar Stoney Signs Directive Declaring Richmond A “Safe Haven for All NOVA Natives”

RICHMOND, Va. – Speaking before a crowd on Thursday, Richmond Mayor Levar Stoney issued a directive formalizing the city’s commitment to being a safe, welcoming place for all residents, regardless of their city of origin. The order was a [read more ... ]