Northern Virginia

Cicada Surpasses Arlington Tech Consultant as Virginia’s Most Disliked Insect

ARLINGTON, Va. — According to a new poll of Northern Virginia residents, the cicada has overtaken the Arlington tech consultant as the commonwealth’s most disliked, disgusted, and avoided insect. The cicadas of Brood X, which emerge every [read more ... ]

“Actually, Nothing Really Happens at Bunny Man Bridge on Halloween” Says Guy Who Just Fucking Got Here

FAIRFAX, Va. — Casually explaining the urban legends to people who likely already know the truth, Christopher Doyle, a new resident of Fairfax, clarified that nothing really happens at Bunny Man Bridge on Halloween, sources confirmed Tuesday. [read more ... ]

Georgetown Alumnus Makes Sure You’re Aware He Knows Three Politicians Personally

WASHINGTON — Several Georgetown students were reportedly blown away during a Sunday afternoon networking event at the popular college bar, The Tombs, when recent alumnus Paul Brownstone assured his fellow Hoyas in no uncertain terms that he knew [read more ... ]

Officials Monitoring Migrant Caravan of Tech Bros Moving Across the US in Search of Amazon Jobs

ARLINGTON, Va. — The announcement of Amazon’s HQ2 location in Arlington has sparked a migrant caravan of tech bros moving across the US in search of job opportunities, sources confirmed Tuesday. RELATED (article continued below): The [read more ... ]

Arlington Trivia Team Unable to Agree on Snarky Name, Disbands

ARLINGTON, Va. — Unable to handle the pressures of choosing a snarky yet sophisticated name for their group, an Arlington-based trivia team has chosen to disband and dissolve its membership effective immediately. Witnesses to the dispute claim [read more ... ]

Northam Seen Taking Bolt Scooter From Executive Mansion to Work

RICHMOND, Va. — Gov. Ralph Northam was observed this week taking a Bolt scooter from the Executive Mansion to Capitol Square to begin his workday. According to sources, the harrowing five-minute walk was lessened to approximately four minutes and [read more ... ]

Study Reveals Listing “Have Beard” on Resumes Make You 45% More Likely to Find a Job in Richmond

RICHMOND, Va. — According to a new study by the Virginia Employment Commission (VEC), the mere mention of having a beard on your resume can lead to a 45% greater chance of being hired for work in Richmond. RELATED (article continued below): VCU [read more ... ]

Kings Dominion Unveils New Ride Is Just Driving Over 70 Potholes on George Washington Parkway

DOSWELL, Va. — Amid curiosity and an initiative to develop attractions closer to Washington D.C., Kings Dominion has announced their most fear-inducing ride yet: driving highway speeds over more than 70 jolting potholes on the George Washington [read more ... ]

Ja Rule Announces Plans to Host Fyre Festival 2 on Tangier Island

REEDVILLE, Va. — Explaining that the current hype around Fyre was something to capitalize on, hip hop artist Ja Rule has announced plans for a revival of Fyre Festival that will take place on Tangier Island on the weekend of July 13 later this [read more ... ]