Northern Virginia

Kings Dominion Unveils New Ride Is Just Driving Over 70 Potholes on George Washington Parkway

DOSWELL, Va. — Amid curiosity and an initiative to develop attractions closer to Washington D.C., Kings Dominion has announced their most fear-inducing ride yet: driving highway speeds over more than 70 jolting potholes on the George Washington [read more ... ]

Arlington Trivia Team Unable to Agree on Snarky Name, Disbands

ARLINGTON, Va. — Unable to handle the pressures of choosing a snarky yet sophisticated name for their group, an Arlington-based trivia team has chosen to disband and dissolve its membership effective immediately. Witnesses to the dispute claim [read more ... ]

Ja Rule Announces Plans to Host Fyre Festival 2 on Tangier Island

REEDVILLE, Va. — Explaining that the current hype around Fyre was something to capitalize on, hip hop artist Ja Rule has announced plans for a revival of Fyre Festival that will take place on Tangier Island on the weekend of July 13 later this [read more ... ]

Richmond Government Threatens Shutdown Unless NOVA Pays for Wall at Fredericksburg Border

RICHMOND, Va. — Due to worsening bipartisan conflicts regarding a secure border with Northern Virginia, Richmond could be facing a possible government shutdown if a budget plan for a border wall is not approved, sources revealed Wednesday. RELATED [read more ... ]

Officials Monitoring Migrant Caravan of Tech Bros Moving Across the US in Search of Amazon Jobs

ARLINGTON, Va. — The announcement of Amazon’s HQ2 location in Arlington has sparked a migrant caravan of tech bros moving across the US in search of job opportunities, sources confirmed Tuesday. RELATED (article continued below): The holidays [read more ... ]

“Actually, Nothing Really Happens at Bunny Man Bridge on Halloween” Says Guy Who Just Fucking Got Here

FAIRFAX, Va. — Casually explaining the urban legends to people who likely already know the truth, Christopher Doyle, a new resident of Fairfax, clarified that nothing really happens at Bunny Man Bridge on Halloween, sources confirmed Tuesday. [read more ... ]

Georgetown Alumnus Makes Sure You’re Aware He Knows Three Politicians Personally

WASHINGTON — Several Georgetown students were reportedly blown away during a Sunday afternoon networking event at the popular college bar, The Tombs, when recent alumnus Paul Brownstone assured his fellow Hoyas in no uncertain terms that he knew [read more ... ]

UN Officially Classifies NOVA Traffic As Crime Against Humanity

NEW YORK — The United Nations (UN) announced this week that traffic in Northern Virginia, known colloquially as NOVA, is now a formally recognized crime against humanity. This move came after the International Criminal Court, based in the Hague, [read more ... ]

Northern Virginia Woman Who Doesn’t Own Bryce Harper Jersey Banned from All Dating Sites

ARLINGTON, Va. — Arlington resident, Amanda Joyce, recently received notice from multiple dating sites that they will no longer support any of her profiles and have banned her entirely. RELATED (article continued below): Ancient Cave Paintings [read more ... ]