NoVA & DC

NoVa Officials Finalize State Border Wall To Protect From Possible Invasion of Philadelphia Eagles Fans

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — In an effort to protect the Commonwealth from a possible influx of rioting Eagles fans, officials in Northern Virginia have nearly completed a 20’ border wall running the length of the state line, sources confirmed Sunday. [read more ... ]

“Actually, Nothing Really Happens at Bunny Man Bridge on Halloween” Says Guy Who Just Fucking Got Here

FAIRFAX, Va. — Casually explaining the urban legends to people who likely already know the truth, Christopher Doyle, a new resident of Fairfax, clarified that nothing really happens at Bunny Man Bridge on Halloween, sources confirmed Tuesday. [read more ... ]

VDOT Announces Initiative to Aimlessly Move Construction Equipment From One Side of I-495 to the Other

FAIRFAX, Va. — In their latest upkeep effort for the commonwealth’s roads, the Virginia Department of Transportation (VDOT) announced that it will aimlessly move construction equipment from one side of the I-495 beltway to the other, sources [read more ... ]

Arlington Trivia Team Unable to Agree on Snarky Name, Disbands

ARLINGTON, Va. — Unable to handle the pressures of choosing a snarky yet sophisticated name for their group, an Arlington-based trivia team has chosen to disband and dissolve its membership effective immediately. Witnesses to the dispute claim [read more ... ]

NOVA Resident Begins Yearly Ritual of Cursing Tourists

FAIRFAX, Va. — With summer tourism hitting full swing in our nation’s capital, Northern Virginia resident, Bob Henderson, has begun his yearly ritual of cursing the tourists who flood the area for summer vacation. Trump Team Accidentally Starts [read more ... ]

Audi A7 Just Cut Six People off Behind You on the Beltway and You’re Next

TYSONS, Va. — A car has been seen weaving in and out of traffic during rush hour on the Capital Beltway, and sources have confirmed that it is now your turn to get cut off. The luxury automobile seems to be approaching rapidly as it slices through [read more ... ]

Family Excited to Take Toddler to Historic Battlefield for an Experience She Won’t Remember

MANASSAS, Va. — Citing the need to get an early start on their daughter’s education, Emily and Scott Melnick have planned a trip to Manassas National Battlefield Park for a day of educational entertainment that Olivia, 2, will never remember. [read more ... ]

Op-Ed: I’m an Arlington Yuppie and I Love Rooftop Bars Because I Get to Drink and Look Down on People

ARLINGTON, Va. — Summer is around the corner, the sun is shining, the ladies are unpacking their short shorts, and I’m just standing here in my Ray-Ban wayfarers sipping a Citradelic Tangerine IPA on the roof of some trendy tiki bar judging all [read more ... ]

Alexandria Shuts Down 50 Local Businesses to Create Jobs for Amazon Bid

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — In order to enhance its already incredibly slim chances of winning the HQ2 bid to be the new location for Amazon’s second headquarters, the Alexandria City Council has recently shut down 50 local businesses, sources confirmed [read more ... ]