NoVA

Modern Day Supervillain Chooses Crystal City for Second Lair

NATIONAL LANDING, Va. — In a highly anticipated announcement, earlier this week e-commerce juggernaut Amazon revealed that it had selected Long Island City, New York, and Crystal City, Virginia, as the sites for Amazon founder and Lex Luthor [read more ... ]

Alexandria Shuts Down 50 Local Businesses to Create Jobs for Amazon Bid

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — In order to enhance its already incredibly slim chances of winning the HQ2 bid to be the new location for Amazon’s second headquarters, the Alexandria City Council has recently shut down 50 local businesses, sources confirmed [read more ... ]

Study Reveals Every Restaurant in Annandale Is Korean BBQ

ANNANDALE, Va. — A recent study commissioned by the Annandale Restaurant Information Research Council has confirmed that every restaurant in Annandale is a Korean barbecue establishment. The study was the result of multiple inquiries asking the [read more ... ]

Mulder and Scully to Investigate Traffic Around Quantico in Newest Season of “The X-Files”

DUMFRIES, Va. — Showrunner Chris Carter has confirmed that, in the highly anticipated new season of his iconic program “The X-Files,” the show’s two main characters will discover the truth about a highly-speculated-upon local, almost [read more ... ]

Local Satire Site Gives up on New Facebook Algorithm, Just Starts Reporting Real News

AT THE END OF MY SANITY — In an effort to combat Facebook’s latest algorithm that limits the amount of fake news on its platform, local satirical news organization The Peedmont will begin reporting real news, sources confirmed this week. In a [read more ... ]

UN Officially Classifies NOVA Traffic As Crime Against Humanity

NEW YORK — The United Nations (UN) announced this week that traffic in Northern Virginia, known colloquially as NOVA, is now a formally recognized crime against humanity. This move came after the International Criminal Court, based in the Hague, [read more ... ]

New TV Show to Investigate Northern Virginia’s Ghostings

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — The makers of the popular television show “Ghost Hunters” have decided to branch out with a new entry in the series that takes place right near the Beltway. However, this new show will not be exploring the fairly well-trod [read more ... ]

D.C. Man Casually Mentions Dislike of “The West Wing,” Ostracized from Society, Dies Alone

WASHINGTON — William Christopher Riley, 47, of Cathedral Heights, departed this Earth on Sunday after a prolonged battle with loneliness. Riley is survived by his mother Eleanor and his cat Wonky. A career public servant, Riley worked at the [read more ... ]

Arlington Millennial Keeps Insisting That Living in Arlington “Just as Good as Living in Georgetown” for Reassurance

ARLINGTON, Va. — Local young professional Avery Hobson, 27, has reportedly spent the better part of the last two years strenuously arguing that residing in Arlington is “just as good as living in Georgetown.” Her position on this topic, which [read more ... ]