Ralph Northam

Levar Stoney Frantically Searches City Hall Closet for Extension Cord for RVA Illuminates

RICHMOND, Va. — Racing against time, Mayor Levar Stoney was seen desperately searching a storage closet in city hall for an extension cord needed for RVA Illuminates, city officials confirmed Friday. “Oh, no. No. No. No,” Stoney told [read more ... ]

“Ready to Vote Today, Cowboy?” Reads Monday Morning Text Sent From Drunk Terry McAuliffe to Glenn Youngkin

RICHMOND, Va. — As both an act of challenge and a friendly reminder, Democratic gubernatorial Terry McAuliffe texted his Republican opponent Glenn Youngkin while heavily intoxicated asking if he was ready to vote today, sources confirmed Tuesday. [read more ... ]

Polling Shows Healthcare, Ending Goddamn Campaign Commercials Top Issues in Tuesday’s Election

RICHMOND, Va. — A new poll of voters across the commonwealth revealed that the top issues people are focusing on in Tuesday’s midterm elections are healthcare and putting an end to the goddamn campaign commercials. RELATED (article continued [read more ... ]

In Stunning Trade off, Gov. Northam Legalizes Marijuana and Makes Alcohol Illegal

RICHMOND, Va. — On the heels of Governor Northam’s historic announcement that marijuana will soon be legalized in the Commonwealth, sources confirmed that another, decidedly less groovy, law is set to take effect this summer, the return of [read more ... ]

Virginia Abolishes the Death Penalty

Gov. Ralph Northam on Wednesday signed legislation to officially abolish the death penalty in Virginia, making it the first Southern state to ban capital punishment. Thoughts? “We’re almost out of this pandemic, but now’s not the [read more ... ]

New COVID-19 Alcohol Restrictions Still Require All Shockoe Bottom Back Alley Puking To Finish by 10 p.m.

RICHMOND, Va. — Following data analysis that shows COVID-19 cases slowly decreasing throughout the Commonwealth, Gov. Northam has announced loosened restrictions on alcohol purchases but is still requiring all back alley puking in Shockoe Bottom [read more ... ]

NRA Forced to 3-D Print Cash

FAIRFAX, Va. — In a desperate move to regain financial stability, NRA spokesperson Dana Loesch announced Monday that the NRA would begin 3-D printing its own money. In a January 15th bankruptcy court filing, the organization stated that it was [read more ... ]

Northam Bans Ted Nugent’s Entire Discography Ahead of Pro-Gun Lobby Day Rally

RICHMOND, Va. — Given the violence that took place in Washington, Gov. Northam decided to play it safe by declaring a ban on Ted Nugent’s music in advance of the annual Lobby Day rally on January 18th, officials confirmed Wednesday. [read more ... ]

Trump Points to Coal in Stocking as Proof of Virginia Coal Industry Booming

WASHINGTON — Stock prices are expected to soar when trading resumes after President Trump pointed to the vast amounts of coal in his stocking on Christmas morning as definitive proof that Virginia’s coal industry is booming. The President awoke [read more ... ]