Terry McAuliffe

Terry McAuliffe Furious Upon Learning Longtime “Hangover Nausea Cure” Is Being Discontinued

HEATHSVILLE, Va. — Calling the decision a betrayal of Virginia’s finest export second to Hardywood’s Gingerbread Stout, former governor of Virginia Terry McAuliffe is furious with Coca-Cola’s decision to discontinue the production of [read more ... ]

Terry McAuliffe Dragged out by Event Security After Trying to Rush Presidential Debate Stage

CLEVELAND, Oh. — In a decision fueled by political determination and a blood alcohol concentration level of 0.12, former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe was forcibly dragged out of the 2020 Presidential Debate after attempting to rush the stage, [read more ... ]

Drunk Terry McAuliffe Seen Running Down the Street Making Airplane Noises

MCLEAN, Va. — A heavily intoxicated Terry McAuliffe was spotted yesterday running down Balls Hill Road in a zigzag pattern while making airplane noises, sources reported. Witnesses said that the former governor held up traffic as he made several [read more ... ]

Terry McAuliffe Takes St. Patrick’s Day Off, Still Drunker Than Everyone at Siné

RICHMOND, Va. — Former governor, potential presidential candidate, and current Irish caricature, Terry McAuliffe, announced today that he would be abstaining from the usual St. Patrick’s Day celebrations. Despite this, early reports indicated [read more ... ]

Virginia to Require ID and Clean Bill of Health to Vote

RICHMOND, Va. — In an effort to get the highest possible voter turnout for Super Tuesday’s Democratic primary, Virginia is now requiring both a valid form of photo identification and a clean bill of health for all voters in order to combat the [read more ... ]

Trump Drafts Chincoteague Ponies to Form First Space Cavalry

ACCOMACK, Va. — Following a surprise statement earlier this week confirming that the United States would soon have a new branch of the military called the “Space Force,” President Donald Trump made headlines once again by revealing that the [read more ... ]

Trump Points to Coal in Stocking as Proof of Virginia Coal Industry Booming

WASHINGTON — Stock prices are expected to soar when trading resumes after President Trump pointed to the vast amounts of coal in his stocking on Christmas morning as definitive proof that Virginia’s coal industry is booming. The President awoke [read more ... ]

Terry McAuliffe Drunkenly Caroling Gets Through Three Bars of “Jingle Bells” Before Passing out on Porch

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — In an effort to get his former constituents in the holiday spirit, a heavily intoxicated former Gov. Terry McAuliffe only made it through the first few verses of “Jingle Bells” before passing out while going door-to-door [read more ... ]

Plastered Terry McAuliffe Asked for Third Time to Not Crawl on Skee-Ball Ramp at Circuit

RICHMOND, Va. — Unrepentant in his desire to achieve a high score, a heavily intoxicated Terry McAuliffe had to be asked repeatedly not to crawl on the skee-ball ramp at The Circuit Arcade Bar yesterday. Witnesses said the former governor had [read more ... ]