Terry McAuliffe

Trump Drafts Chincoteague Ponies to Form First Space Cavalry

ACCOMACK, Va. — Following a surprise statement earlier this week confirming that the United States would soon have a new branch of the military called the “Space Force,” President Donald Trump made headlines once again by revealing that the [read more ... ]

Trump Points to Coal in Stocking as Proof of Virginia Coal Industry Booming

WASHINGTON — Stock prices are expected to soar when trading resumes after President Trump pointed to the vast amounts of coal in his stocking on Christmas morning as definitive proof that Virginia’s coal industry is booming. The President awoke [read more ... ]

Terry McAuliffe Drunkenly Caroling Gets Through Three Bars of “Jingle Bells” Before Passing out on Porch

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — In an effort to get his former constituents in the holiday spirit, a heavily intoxicated former Gov. Terry McAuliffe only made it through the first few verses of “Jingle Bells” before passing out while going door-to-door [read more ... ]

Plastered Terry McAuliffe Asked for Third Time to Not Crawl on Skee-Ball Ramp at Circuit

RICHMOND, Va. — Unrepentant in his desire to achieve a high score, a heavily intoxicated Terry McAuliffe had to be asked repeatedly not to crawl on the skee-ball ramp at The Circuit Arcade Bar yesterday. Witnesses said the former governor had [read more ... ]

Terry McAuliffe Brings Case of Natty to Governor’s Thanksgiving Dinner

RICHMOND, Va. — Thanksgiving guests of Gov. Ralph Northam were treated to more than just turkey and stuffing earlier today due to a surprise visitor at the Executive Mansion. Former governor Terry McAuliffe was seen stumbling up the front steps [read more ... ]

Polling Shows Healthcare, Ending Goddamn Campaign Commercials Top Issues in Today’s Election

RICHMOND, Va. — A new poll of voters across the commonwealth revealed that the top issues people are focusing on in today’s elections are healthcare and putting an end to the goddamn campaign commercials. RELATED: “Who’s Running in [read more ... ]

“Who’s Running in This Bitch Again?” Asks Shitfaced Terry McAuliffe in Voting Line on Election Day

RICHMOND, Va. — Reeking of various craft beers, a heavily intoxicated former Gov. Terry McAuliffe loudly yelled for someone to tell him who was running in the election, sources confirmed Tuesday. According to accounts, the former governor arrived [read more ... ]

“Ready to Vote Today, Cowboy?” Reads Monday Morning Text Sent From Drunk Terry McAuliffe to Joe Morrissey

RICHMOND, Va. — As both an act of challenge and a friendly reminder, former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe texted state senate candidate Joe Morrissey while heavily intoxicated asking if he was ready to vote today, sources confirmed Monday. [read more ... ]

Amanda Chase Apologizes in Advance for Next Horrible Words and Deeds

RICHMOND, Va. — Claiming that her campaign schedule is becoming more demanding by the day, Virginia Sen. Amanda Chase (R-Chesterfield) gave a heartfelt preemptive apology for the unconscionable things she will undoubtedly say or do in the coming [read more ... ]