Terry McAuliffe

Polling Shows Healthcare, Ending Goddamn Campaign Commercials Top Issues in Today’s Election

RICHMOND, Va. — A new poll of voters across the commonwealth revealed that the top issues people are focusing on in today’s elections are healthcare and putting an end to the goddamn campaign commercials. RELATED: “Who’s Running in [read more ... ]

“Who’s Running in This Bitch Again?” Asks Shitfaced Terry McAuliffe in Voting Line on Election Day

RICHMOND, Va. — Reeking of various craft beers, a heavily intoxicated former Gov. Terry McAuliffe loudly yelled for someone to tell him who was running in the election, sources confirmed Tuesday. According to accounts, the former governor arrived [read more ... ]

“Ready to Vote Today, Cowboy?” Reads Monday Morning Text Sent From Drunk Terry McAuliffe to Joe Morrissey

RICHMOND, Va. — As both an act of challenge and a friendly reminder, former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe texted state senate candidate Joe Morrissey while heavily intoxicated asking if he was ready to vote today, sources confirmed Monday. [read more ... ]

Amanda Chase Apologizes in Advance for Next Horrible Words and Deeds

RICHMOND, Va. — Claiming that her campaign schedule is becoming more demanding by the day, Virginia Sen. Amanda Chase (R-Chesterfield) gave a heartfelt preemptive apology for the unconscionable things she will undoubtedly say or do in the coming [read more ... ]

Life-Size Monument of the Richmond Coliseum Proposed on Site of Current Coliseum

RICHMOND, Va. — After constant speculation regarding the future of the Richmond Coliseum, city officials announced Wednesday plans to replace the Coliseum with a life-size monument of the Richmond Coliseum. “Since Richmond is a city filled with [read more ... ]

Terry McAuliffe Challenges Entire CNN Newsroom to Game of Flip Cup After Chris Cuomo Interview

ATLANTA — Insisting that there would be enough time in the upcoming commercial break for a full game, former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe challenged CNN’s newsroom to a game of flip cup following his appearance on Cuomo Prime Time, sources [read more ... ]

Levar Stoney Opens Lemonade Stand to Raise Money for Public Schools

RICHMOND, Va. — Stating that the idea worked when he was a kid trying to raise enough money for a Razor scooter, sources confirmed that Mayor Levar Stoney opened a lemonade stand on Saturday in an effort to help fund Richmond Public Schools. [read more ... ]

Tim Kaine Rejected by Fifth Jam Band He Tries to Join

ARLINGTON, Va. — A devastated Sen. Tim Kaine has just been rejected as the harmonica player for local jam band Intergalactic HASHbrown Experience, sources confirmed Friday. RELATED (article continued below): Terry McAuliffe Drunkenly Screams for [read more ... ]

McAuliffe Plays Edward Fortyhands While Announcing Exploratory Committee to One-Up Elizabeth Warren

MCLEAN, Va. — Former Virginia Gov. Terry McAuliffe announced his intention to run for president today from the comfort of his home in McLean, reportedly while playing the popular binge drinking game Edward Fortyhands. RELATED (article continued [read more ... ]