UVA

Charlottesville ABC Stores to Begin Offering Boxed Wine Decanters

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — In an effort to preserve the integrity of their assorted boxed wine varietals, Virginia ABC has launched the sale of boxed wine decanters in Charlottesville stores. The new decanters, which resemble plastic milk jugs, are [read more ... ]

In Obvious Deal With Satan, UVA Football Ranked No. 25 in AP Poll

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — UVA football opened this week as the 25th-ranked college team in the country according to the AP Top 25 poll, in what was clearly the result of a bargain with the Prince of Darkness, Satan himself. RELATED (article [read more ... ]

Global Sperry Shortage Causes Panic On UVA Campus

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. – What started out as a normal week at Charlottesville’s prestigious campus quickly spiraled into chaos as a worldwide shortage of Sperry’s brand of shoes struck the area. The shortage is the result of both insufficient [read more ... ]

UVA Student in Search of Fresh New Monocle Ahead of Fall Semester

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — After a tumultuous first year at the University of Virginia, rising sophomore Samuel Wilkerson has decided to turn things around and start fresh in the fall with the help of a brand new monocle. “When I first arrived at [read more ... ]

Cut-Down Basketball Net to Give UVA Commencement Speech

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Describing the opportunity as a tremendous honor that surpassed being used in an official March Madness game, the cut-down basketball net from the UVA’s Elite Eight win against Purdue University will be delivering the [read more ... ]

UVA Frat Bro Put Down After Breaking Leg in Keg Stand at Foxfield

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — UVA second-year and Kappa Sigma brother Kyle Adams was humanely euthanized today after breaking his leg while doing a keg stand at the Foxfield Races, sources confirmed Saturday. RELATED (article continued below): [read more ... ]

Rotunda Statue of Thomas Jefferson to Be Replaced by Statue of Tony Bennett

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Following the Cavalier’s triumph in the NCAA tournament final last night, officials at the University of Virginia have announced plans to replace the statue of university founder Thomas Jefferson with one of men’s [read more ... ]

Rolling Stone Reports UVA Loss to Auburn

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — Congratulating the Cavaliers on their tremendous but ill-fated run to the Final Four, Rolling Stone reported Sunday that UVA was eliminated from the NCAA tournament following their 1-point defeat to Auburn University. “The [read more ... ]

UVA Students Burn Down Rotunda Again in Celebration of Final Four Berth

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — The University of Virginia Cavaliers clinched a Final Four berth for the first time since 1984, causing a group of rambunctious students to celebrate by burning down the Rotunda for the first time since 1895. “Well, we [read more ... ]