Virginia Commonwealth University

Sulking Jay Gruden Promised New Job as Head Coach of VCU Football

RICHMOND, Va. — In the wake of Jay Gruden’s firing from the Washington Redskins, VCU announced plans today to extend an offer to the sullen, shell of a man for the head coaching position for their men’s football team. RELATED (article [read more ... ]

GMU Freshman with 500+ Connections on LinkedIn Thinks He’s Some Kind of Big Shot

FAIRFAX, Va — In a probably unprecedented turn of events, GMU freshman Austin Wilson revealed today that he has hit over 500 connections on his LinkedIn profile. “I got 500 plus connections on LinkedIn,” Wilson yelled, gleefully yet [read more ... ]

Virginia Tech Graduate Moves to North Carolina, Shocked That No One Cares About Alma Mater

RALEIGH, N.C. — Frank Wilcox, a member of Virginia Tech’s Class of 2017, learned the hard way that it’s a different world outside of Blacksburg. Upon graduating with a degree in computer science, Wilcox accepted a job at Desai Data Systems in [read more ... ]

Mom Sad to See Son Go to VCU but Happy to Be Fucking Dad in Living Room Again

ORANGE, Va. — Emotions ran high last week as Janet Gering dropped her son Kyle off at VCU, feeling both sad that her son would no longer be living at home and also elated at the prospect of fucking her husband Gary in their living room again. [read more ... ]

William and Mary Campus Police Issue Warning: Line to Enter Swem Library Currently Seven Miles Long

WILLIAMSBURG, Va. — Due to the immense demand for entry to Swem Library during the first week of the spring semester, the William and Mary campus police have just sent out an alert warning that the line to get in is approximately seven miles long. [read more ... ]

Op-Ed: I’m an Incoming VCU Freshman and I’d Love to Tell You Why Jaywalking Is a Human Right

I wasn’t even going to sit down and write this because, let’s be honest, me writing anything is wild. I thought I was going to be done with writing when I graduated high school. Everything I have to say could be accomplished in a couple of snaps [read more ... ]

UVA Student in Search of Fresh New Monocle Ahead of Fall Semester

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. — After a tumultuous first year at the University of Virginia, rising sophomore Samuel Wilkerson has decided to turn things around and start fresh in the fall with the help of a brand new monocle. “When I first arrived at [read more ... ]

VCU Tour Guide Reminds Prospective Students It’s Not Too Late to Start Donating to the Alumni Society

RICHMOND, Va. — Stressing the importance of the society and a lack of funding, VCU tour guide Kelly O’Ryan reminded her prospective students that it wasn’t too late to begin donating to the university’s alumni society, sources revealed [read more ... ]

New Study Reveals 94% Chance Your Favorite Rock at Belle Isle Will Be Occupied During Your Next Visit

RICHMOND, Va. — The James River Park Association recently utilized hundreds of volunteer hours in the hot Richmond sun to survey one of the river’s most popular attractions. The study concluded that there was a startling 94% probability that [read more ... ]