Washington Redskins

Alex Smith Hopes They Just Kill Him Next Time

LANDOVER, Md. — In a somber press conference delivered after Tuesday’s team practice, Washington Redskins quarterback, Alex Smith told members of the press that while he’s uncertain of his playing future at this stage in his recovery from last [read more ... ]

Stoney Changes Locks on Redskins Training Camp Facility Following Team Departure

RICHMOND, Va. — Upon receiving a parting honk and wave from the final moving van as it turned down W. Leigh Street toward I-95, Richmond Mayor Levar Stoney immediately began changing the locks on all doors and points of entry to the Bon Secours [read more ... ]

Midlothian Man Who Never Watches Football Ready to Kill You If You Talk During the Commercials

CHESTERFIELD, Va. — Claiming that the commercials are the most entertaining part of the Super Bowl and that you’d better shut the hell up while they’re on, Midlothian resident Roger Hampton is ready to kill you if you talk during the game’s [read more ... ]

Multi-Million Dollar Facility That Sits Vacant 347 Days of the Year Becomes Occupied During Redskins Training Camp

RICHMOND, Va. ⎯ After being completely unused for 95% of the calendar year, there is a shocking development at the Bon Secours Washington Redskins Training Facility. It’s occupied. “I was walking my dog down the street,” says a local citizen [read more ... ]

Northern Virginia Woman Who Doesn’t Own Bryce Harper Jersey Banned from All Dating Sites

ARLINGTON, Va. — Arlington resident, Amanda Joyce, recently received notice from multiple dating sites that they will no longer support any of her profiles and have banned her entirely. RELATED (article continued below): Ancient Cave Paintings [read more ... ]

Ancient Cave Paintings Reveal Unheard of Redskins Winning Season

LURAY, Va. — A new discovery rocked historical circles in Virginia when a heretofore unknown chamber in Luray Caverns was revealed to contain ancient cave paintings depicting a winning Washington Redskins season. Dr. Artemis Dunlop, a geology [read more ... ]

Richmond “It” Luring Redskins Fans into Sewers with Promises of Winning Season

RICHMOND, Va. — Coinciding with the start of the football season, Richmond has seen a spike in disappearances and deaths among the Washington Redskins fan community. Evidence shows that an ancient, evil entity referred to as “It” has been [read more ... ]