Op-Ed: No, You Still Can’t Grow a Fucking Beard During Quarantine

It may seem convenient to cast aside common decency during the current crisis and go for comfort and convenience. I mean, why not? Everything has gone to utter shit and you’re trapped at home. If you were lucky enough to have retirement, well, you don’t anymore, and you’ve exhausted yourself trying to decide if Carole Baskin is guilty or not. Spoiler: that bitch Carole Baskin and her husband are the same person.

It’s tempting to not bother with showering, putting on pants, shaving, or any of the other requirements of functional adult behavior. It would be much easier if we just became a bunch of boozy agoraphobics constantly taking our rectal temperatures and screaming into the void.

Apocalypse or not, let’s be real for a minute. Please shave. Being stuck at home is no reason to attempt Kurt Russell’s look from “The Thing.” Nobody wants to see you look like a sad mess with breakfast caught in your chin pube tendrils over Zoom. Also, fuck your zany Zoom background. No one cares.

Your beard is fucking gross. Science has even proven that beards harbor all sorts of things. Right now your beard is a bushy vector festooned with diseases ickier than a dog’s ass. Also, it’s not appealing at all. You don’t look like a regal Chester A. Arthur. You look like a computer gamer that hasn’t seen the sun since last November. It takes three minutes to shave, you lazy bastard.

So, since we can’t force you to stop going to the river or to Walmart five fucking times a day, could you at least do your patriotic duty and shave your damn face? In fact, shave everything. If you want to help America beat this virus then you need to emulate the naked mole-rat—hairless and fucking proud of it.

Damnit, I’m sorry. I don’t really care about your beard. I just want to leave my house without potentially dying. Fuck you, COVID-19.