Report: Fuck 2024

EVERYWHERE — Following what was undoubtedly one of the most infamous years on the books, Virginians everywhere have already begun cursing the forthcoming year 2024, officials confirmed Friday. 

“We don’t care if the worst is behind us—as far we’re concerned, 2024 can go fuck itself too,” Dennis Chisolm, 35, of Warrenton, said in a statement, adding that he had very little hope that the new year could really turn things around for everyone.

“Sure, 2023 was a complete shitshow, but 2024 hasn’t done a damn thing to prove itself any better, so why be optimistic about it? We still have COVID-19, conflicts in Ukraine and Palestine, Amanda Chase on the planet, it’s an election year, and the traffic around Northern Virginia is still a complete nightmare. So 2024 can crawl back up the hole it came from and fuck right off. I mean, if we can spring forward and fall back and all that other horseshit, we can just say it’s 2025! Why the hell not?!”

At the time of reporting, residents across the commonwealth were calling for 2024 to banish itself to West Virginia so Virginians could skip ahead to 2025.