News Peed

We Ranked the Dick Jokes Regarding the Johnson & Johnson Vaccine

ORLANDO, FLORIDA, UNITED STATES - 2021/04/10: Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vial and box seen at a vaccination site. Doses of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine are being administered throughout the state of Florida despite a small number of patients who have experienced adverse reactions, including blood clots. (Photo by Paul Hennessy/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images)

As we wind down the clock on COVID-19 Pandemic, we thought it would be great to look back at the lighter moments of the pandemic. After all, the past fifteen months have clearly left us with plenty to laugh about (600,000 dead people is hilarious, right?).

Whether it’s lighthearted memes about gaining superpowers or nutjobs convinced they’re now magnetic, few things have drawn more focus than the vaccination effort. The Johnson & Johnson (or J-Deuce, as we like to call it) vaccine has been a never ending source of terrible jokes of phallic humor, so we decided to rank the dick jokes about the J & J vaccine to see how they measure up. 

Golden Dong: Tiny Prick Jokes

Remember that moment when your dad cackled that he just got jabbed by a tiny prick in the Walgreen’s parking lot while proudly holding up his vaccine card, and how you felt cringe because it’s 2021 and your dad made a gay joke even though deep down he’s an ally and just wants you to be happy. So does everyone else. Because everyone else’s dad also made that same joke. But at least he’s safe and that’s what matters. Call your dad and tell him it was a decent time. 

Silver Dong: The One Pump Chump

Your university’s panhellenic council decided to organize a vaccine drive for the greek community. Out of a sense of efficiency (and availability), everyone got the single-dose J & J. Not long after, every brother at Sigma Alpha Douchnozzle made the same tired joke about someone else being a “One-pump Chump.” We get it Todd, you think you’re the only one whose bald-paite friar can withstand more than 14 seconds of vaginal penetration. 

Honorable Mention: Weird 90’s references about the “Big Johnson” t-shirts that your MAGA uncle made

After nine Budweisers in, your uncle Mitch let’s it slip that he did in fact get the J & J vaccine because, even though he’s 43, his mother still made him do it. He starts talking about his vision to resurrect those Big Johnson shirts from the 1990’s and make them for the pandemic. 

”She can’t blow your mind if she’s on a ventilator, so make sure to give her the Big Johnson & Johnson” he giggles. You smile awkwardly and turn to walk back into the house, yet he sternly says that he told you he got the vaccine in confidence, and emphatically reminds you that if anyone asks, you were playing golf with him all day last January 6th and that he was nowhere near our nation’s capital. 

All of these dick jokes are limp as hell. Just go get vaccinated. 

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