RICHMOND, Va. — Richmond-based advertising firm The Martin Agency announced today that it may be forced to downsize following the loss of two of its most substantial clients, Pan American World Airways, more commonly known as Pan Am, and Lucky Strike cigarettes. The news is causing a stir in the advertising world, as The Martin Agency has been an industry leader for nearly four decades.
“It’s all this goddamn Millennial technology and women in the workforce, you know,” commented Creative Director Thomas Holland through a haze of cigarette smoke. “It’s not like it was in the old days. Everyone is so sensitive now; we used to be able to drink scotch and chase the secretaries till the cows came home. Gee-whiz, now we can only do that in the breakrooms and after-hours.” A visibly tipsy Holland ended the interview early to take a mid-afternoon nap.
The Martin Agency has seen a steady decline in clients and annual revenue following the death of its eccentric founder J. London West in 2002. Popular beverage brand Zima dropped the agency two years later, followed by Plymouth automobiles and Ritz Camera. “In total, Martin stands to lose about $18 million in annual billings,” commented account manager Jacob “Jackie” Smalls. “We’re all shaking in our boots. The boys in sales better bring in some new clients lickety-split or its Gonesville for the agency. And how!”
When reached for comment, newly-hired copy editor Missy Banks replied, “Golly mister, a girl could get in trouble for talking about that sorta thing. I’d love to help, I really would, but I’ve got to get these facsimiles over to the gals in the typing pool pronto.”
By the early afternoon the atmosphere around the office had improved significantly, as the agency’s accounting department discovered that Pan Am and Lucky Strike have both been out of business for several decades. “If we’re being honest, it looks like it was a fairly simple clerical error,” commented accountant Janice Dixon. “We’d been crunching slide-rules all morning until we realized we’ve been looking at the wrong manila folders.”
“To celebrate, all the men in the office are getting raises,“ Holland announced. “Missy, be a doll and grab us some ice, won’t you?”