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Richmond Airport TSA Gropes Record Number of Passengers in 2017

RICHMOND, Va. — Richmond International Airport (RIC) is flying high off the news that it has reached the milestone of having its most successful year ever, having groped a record number of passengers who passed through their gates.

The agents had their work cut out for them this year as RIC saw more passengers in 2017 than they had in any year before.

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“Ever since 9/11, we have known that Richmond, with its strategic brewery reserves and growing culinary scene, has been a target for those who wish to do America harm,” said Thomas Chester, an RIC TSA spokesman.

“We’re worried that they could hijack a plane and turn it back on this beautiful city they just left,” Chester continued. “Because of that, we take pride in our job protecting our city and our nation by occasionally making travelers feel as uncomfortable as possible. So far, we haven’t found anything, but we are confident that these tactics will stop evildoers from attacking … the Carillon, I guess? That’s, like, a big local monument we don’t want destroyed, isn’t it?”

TSA agents in Richmond International are charged with scanning luggage, monitoring people as they walk through metal detectors, and as Chester puts it, “touching every part of a passenger’s body like they’re the pottery Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore made in the movie ‘Ghost.’” Despite these intrusions, the TSA argues that, considering RIC’s record-breaking year, their approach isn’t just working, it’s producing results.

“We remain vigilant now that RIC is more successful than ever,” Chester elaborated. “We treat everything from catheters to pacemakers as possible bombs, every bottle of baby powder as if it were ricin, and you can count on us to handle every vibrator as if were an incendiary device.”

“We take that last one very, very seriously,” Chester assured us.

When asked about RIC’s techniques, most Richmonders responded that they weren’t thrilled, but they understood that the measures are taken in the name of protecting freedom and that it still beats flying out of Reagan or Dulles.

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