New Wharf Restaurant Offers Congressional Mistress Menu After 10 P.M.

WASHINGTON — A new fine dining establishment is making its mark at The Wharf’s burgeoning restaurant scene with a special after-hours menu specifically for congressional mistresses. The pied-à-terre-inspired restaurant unveiled its new “Side Piece Prix Fixe” offering just ahead of Valentine’s Day, ensuring that congressmen engaging in extramarital trysts with mid-20s staffers can be served “without judgment or delay.”

The menu, which offers a full five-course meal at a fixed price, places an emphasis on convenience. “It’s mostly finger foods that don’t make too much of a mess,” Executive Chef Dmitri Pascal said. “So think tapas, mini quiches, pigs in a blanket—whatever can be hastily thrown into a woman’s purse before rushing into an Uber toward the Ritz Carlton.”

The promotion has proven remarkably popular among members of both the House of Representatives as well as the Senate. “We’re booked solid for the next 6 months,” owner Bill Waymond said. “And our private dining room is packed, as well. Next week we’re hosting an engagement for Representative Jim Jordan (R-OH), Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), and the entire Ohio State men’s wrestling team.”

“It’s gonna be a real sausage fest,” Waymond added. “Kielbasa, bratwurst, chorizo, hot Italian sausage—those boys are in for quite a spread.”

The restaurant is slated to open Friday evening as soon as Waymond’s wife has taken an Ativan and gone to bed.