News Peed

It’s a Wonderful Life Without Dave Brat

WASHINGTON  D.C. Reports are coming in that Rep. Dave Brat, R-7th, had a very odd experience last night that has him questioning whether others’ lives would be better without him.  

Brat was sitting comfortably in his chauffeured car when he saw a woman fall into the Potomac River. “I saw she was wearing a ‘Save the Environment’ shirt, so I didn’t even tell my driver to stop. Figured she was one of those paid protesters, you know?” But to Brat’s surprise, that same woman suddenly appeared next to him. “I swear I saw her in the river, then poof, she was right next to me. I don’t know how it happened, but I told her, ‘Look, lady, it costs $150 for just a plate at one of my dinners, so you’re going to need to fork over a lot more than that for a private car ride.”

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Much to Brat’s surprise, however, this woman explained that she was an angel who had come to help him. Charles Neuman, Brat’s driver, reported that Brat said he was living the perfect life and didn’t need help from anyone. “He said to her, ‘If anything, it’s the good, honest Christians forced to bake cakes for gay people who need help. You should be protecting them,’” Neuman stated. “But then something really funny happened — I totally forgot who Dave was. I turned around and yelled at him to get out of my car.”

It wasn’t only his driver who no longer recognized Brat. Suddenly he found himself wandering the streets of Washington, D.C. as a complete nobody. “Normally every reporter wants a quote from me,” Brat said. “But they didn’t even know who I was. Even Fox News didn’t want to talk to me.”

Sources tell us that the angel had made it so Brat had never been born. When she tried to explain this to him, he took off straight to the Capitol.

“This man came running through security, screaming that he was a congressman,” Sandra Yardley, a security guard on the House side reported. “I’d never seen this man in my life. He had clearly lost it.”

Brat was able to force his way past Capitol Police and run straight for his office. There, he found a diverse staff bustling around and a woman sitting behind his desk. “You see,” the angel explained, “if you had never been born, a liberal Democratic woman would have been voted into your seat.”

As Brat stood there he overheard the staff talking about the way the world was now. “It was absolutely crazy. People were healthier because Obamacare was fully funded. Abortion rates were down since women had access to better health care and birth control. Who knew funding Planned Parenthood could actually help with that? And don’t get me started on all the great new things kids of immigrants were doing since DACA was in full effect and not threatened.”

Security finally caught up with him, and as they dragged him out of the building, aides reported Brat could be heard yelling, “Help them, angel, help them! I don’t want to be congressman again!”

Shortly after, we found Brat sitting on the curb, contemplating life. “She put me back here. The angel, I mean. She made everything right. Or is it wrong? I’m so confused; life seemed so much better for everyone else when I wasn’t around.”

When asked if this experience would change how he lives his life, Brat took a deep breath, stood up, dusted off his pants, and said, “Hell no. Without me there were so many places that didn’t allow semi-automatic rifles. I’ve just got to protect my constituents’ right to defend themselves if someone gets all up in their grill.”

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