WAKEFIELD, Va. — Following a string of winter storms across the Commonwealth, the National Weather Service in Wakefield announced today that they’ve officially given the fuck up.
“We’re done with this shit,” senior meteorologist Lisa Wagner confirmed in an official statement, adding that the remainder for the Spring season would likely continue towards the end of the month, but also confirmed that, due to drastic changes in recent weather, her and her colleagues no longer fucking cared.
“Yeah, it fucking snowed, what do you want us to do about it? Tell you that it’s going to be 80 degrees tomorrow throughout the Shenandoah Valley? Because sure, it probably fucking is, but we’re done giving a shit about it. Look at the fucking weather app on your phone and stop pestering us with questions like ‘do you think it will snow again before June?’ and ‘will the deer in the mountains survive climate change?’ because we don’t give a single flying shit anymore.”
“Here, you can have a 90 degree day down in the Hampton Roads area so you can all post about #beachday #crazyvirginiaweather on social media while making the super original joke about just waiting a week for the weather to change,” the statement continued. “Happy now?”
She concluded her statement by indicating that the possibility for a spontaneous 40 degree day in the first half of May was indeed possible