Commanders Training Camp Converted into Haunted House
RICHMOND, Va. — In the midst of a season of soul-crushing losing, the Washington Commanders have announced that, in order to try and bolster some midseason interest in the 1-6 disaster that vaguely resembles a football team, they will convert the official Commanders Training Camp into a haunted house for Halloween.
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Team spokesperson, Rusty Gribble explained, “This team isn’t great, so why not capture the horror and utter dismay our fans feel on Sundays and harness that energy for something seasonal?”
Located in Richmond, the soon-to-be haunted house will feature a parade of horribles designed to terrify both fans and their families. By edict of Dan Snyder, players from the past and present will be forced to participate or forfeit one game check. Josh Norman has already announced his intent to hold out, sources confirmed Thursday.
At the first level of the haunted house, visitors will be chased by Adrian Peterson wielding a switch, which he will almost immediately fumble. They will then be ushered into a spooky corridor accompanied by the howls of the ghost of Sonny Jurgenson, who, shockingly, is not actually dead.
Visitors will then be forced to climb the stairs to the second floor which are haunted by the terrifying turf monster of FedEx Field. Sadly, four attendees have already torn their ACLs trying to navigate this section of the facility, meaning that the Commanders will be unable to sign a costly free, yet ultimately disappointing free agent as a result of the pending lawsuits.
The second level is simply a small room showing highlights of a fictional season in which Robert Griffin III never injured his knee and led the Commanders to multiple Super Bowls. Dan Snyder, sparing no expense, recruited Steven Spielburg to shoot this footage in what is being called “a more depressing version of Schindler’s List,” by several fans.
The third level is where things begin to get even more terrifying as fans are ushered into “Salary Cap Hell” where they are confronted by the contracts of Albery Haynesworth, Deion Sanders, and myriad other terrible free agency decisions. As they make their way through the legalese and obvious wastes of valuable cap space, they must first get past a terrifying headless horseman, former quarterback, Gus Frerotte.
Finally, the end of the haunted house features an utterly horrifying final exhibit. In fact, it is so completely spine-chilling and macabre that the terrified reactions of fans are immortalized in a photograph they can purchase at the gift shop. Just before the exit, the fans must pass before the Prince of Darkness himself, Dan Snyder.
Fans of the Commanders from all over the state are expected to attend, with many excited about the idea. Deborah Watkins of Chesterfield says she plans to check it out on opening weekend.
“I can’t wait to see the reactions on everyone’s faces as they walk through this multi-million dollar facility that the city gets to pay for even though it basically sits vacant the rest of the year,” Watkins stated. “It might as well be haunted by tax dollars, at this point, but nothing is scarier than stumbling into Snyder while the team has a losing record.”
At the time of reporting, sources close to the Miami Dolphins informed reporters that the team was considering setting up a similar event that would feature head coach Brian Flores attempting to call offensive plays.
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