Northam Appoints Nutzy With Vaccine T-Shirt Cannon To Head Vaccination Effort

RICHMOND, Va. — In an effort to speed the process of vaccinating Virginians against COVID-19, Gov. Ralph Northam has appointed the Richmond Flying Squirrels mascot, Nutzy, to grab a t-shirt cannon and take charge of the state’s vaccination effort, officials confirmed Wednesday.

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“The Virginia Department of Health plans to send an email to all Virginians telling them the specific date and time to stand on their front porches with their sleeve rolled up,” Northam explained in a statement, citing Nutzy’s proficiency with a t-shirt cannon to distribute merchandise to fans between innings at games. 

“We figure if Nutzy could fire off 10 or 12 shirts a minute, who knows how many syringes he could shoot in that time. You can expect to see our beloved mascot driving down your street in a Flying Squirrels golf cart firing specially modified capsules that break apart spreading dozens of syringes in a wide pattern. The hope is that one, or maybe even two, of those syringes hits an arm and gets us one step closer to living our normal lives again.” 

“Our goal is to get shots in arms as quickly as possible and really speed this process up,” Northam continued. “I can’t think of a more expedient way than using a t-shirt cannon firing 35 mph. Hell, we could vaccinate a whole damn daycare center in under 90 seconds with this bad boy.” 

Rick Smith, director of public relations for the Flying Squirrels, said the team is eager to help after speaking with the governor, and is confident that Nutzy can help speed up the vaccination process.

“Since he hasn’t had any baseball games to hype up, Nutzy has spent the pandemic playing a shit ton of Modern Warfare,” Smith said in a statement. “So he will be straight-up lethal with that t-shirt cannon.” 

The new vaccination strategy is expected to launch following a public marketing campaign to advise residents in Mechanicsville not to shoot back at Nutzy.