Virginia State Police Issue Arrest Warrant For 2016

CHESTERFIELD, Va. – Following the recent passing of actress Carrie Fisher, Virginia State Police (VSP) announced yesterday evening that they have officially issued an arrest warrant for the notorious killer known only as 2016, accusing the entity of murder, mayhem, and “overall just being a complete dill weed on society.” Speaking in their initial statement, VSP Captian Jeffrey Miller described 2016 as a “notorious and highly dangerous criminal that has no regard for the law nor your influential artists,” and promised that the VSP in cooperation with local police departments and the FBI would use “every available resource to bring the villainous mastermind to justice.”

Information regarding the current whereabouts and identity of 2016 is unfortunately scarce; one local resident still in mourning over Prince’s untimely passing earlier this year claimed that “2016 is all of us, a reminder of our own futility and mortality! There’s no stopping such an evil that cannot be controlled!” Miller also spoke on the consistency of the wanted murderer, noting that “2016 has struck continually throughout the year; not even the Zodiac was this much of an ass.” In addition to their dedicated operation in bringing an end to 2016’s spree, VSP has also urged all citizens to be on the lookout for any leery activity and to notify authorities immediately of any suspicious behavior. Lastly, authorities have called upon the public to unanimously form a protective security fortress for Keith Richards, because according to Miller, “how that guy is still alive is beyond us; he fits the perfect bill for 2016’s next victim.”