AMBER Alert Issued for NOVA Resident Who’s Been Binge Shopping in Tysons Corner

FALLS CHURCH, Va. — At approximately 8 o’clock this morning, Virginia State Police issued an AMBER Alert for Falls Church resident Michael Fellows who was last seen shopping at one of the many retail shops in Tysons Corner Center. It has been more than three days since anyone last heard from Fellows.

“He was just headed to Bloomingdale’s and Macy’s to pick up a few things,” his wife, Nancy Fellows, explained. As the hours passed, Nancy Fellows began to fear that her beloved husband had become fully consumed by the entity that is Tysons Corner during the holiday season.

“It’s not uncommon for people to get swept up in the holiday craze and literally vanish within the halls of franchised department stores,” a sobbing Nancy claimed. “We had it happen to a neighbor a few years back — she went into a Nordstrom, then a Brooks Brothers, and was never seen again. Michael just wanted to do a little Christmas shopping, but he could have totally walked over to Tysons Galleria, and who knows if he’d ever make it out of there alive.”

Anyone with information is asked to contact Virginia State Police directly. The police have also advised against people forming search parties in an effort to find Michael, as they don’t want the search parties themselves to be taken in and swallowed by the metropolis megamall like all of the other captive souls.