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Local Speakeasy Patron Suspects Bartender Has Made up at Least Half of Ingredients Listed in Cocktail

RICHMOND, Va. — After hearing about the squid ink demerara and the lavender sponge that supposedly went into her drink, local speakeasy patron Becky Hilliard began to suspect that the bartender was making up at least half of the ingredients in her cocktail, sources confirmed Saturday night.

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“That Chaplain Chewing Gum drink was made up of a lot of things I had never heard of, including cactus charcoal agave, sandjuice, and something called honeybee blood,” Hilliard told reporters. “I had never heard of any of that stuff, and honestly I wasn’t sure if any of it was real.”

“Half the menu was just name-dropping the origin of the ingredients used,” Hilliard added. “The vermouth was labelled as ‘Southwest Georgia’ and the ginger beer was just called ‘local,’ but it tasted the exact same as Gosling’s.”

When asked about the origins of some of the ingredients on the menu, witnesses say bartender Alex Moss vaguely explained that they were all really rare types of sugar-based alcoholic bitters that could really only be grown in this whole other country, while adjusting his suspenders and offering a tip of his fedora.

Upon receiving her cocktail, Hilliard commented on its similarity to a rum and Coke. “That is impossible due to the heavy amounts of ostrich egg whites,” the bartender explained while lighting a board on fire and putting a glass over top of the smoke in order to make the cocktail taste like a burnt log.

At press time, Moss was seen combining orange juice and Sprite in a martini shaker for the bar’s secret ingredient, called “hobo hooch.”

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