ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Showcasing the recurring pattern of governors with bland names spanning decades, officials reported Monday that the Commonwealth’s next governor will likely be named “Mike Smith” or something very similar.
“Based on our political history, we find a very strong probability in Virginia’s next leader having a very generic name,” Alyssa Fairmount, a spokesperson for the Virginia Department of Historical Names (VDHN), said in a statement, adding that the name would also likely be a male name with a caucasion sound. “The first names of our recent governors have been boring titles like Ralph, Tim, Mark, Jim, and, of course, Bob. The last names don’t offer much variety either, so we’re confident in predicting that the name of Virginia’s next governor will be something typical like Mike Smith, George Frank, Bill Bill, Kyle Chad, or something similar. Hell, we wouldn’t even rule out a white guy from Henrico County literally named John Doe as a potential candidate.”
At press time, an upstart gubernatorial candidate from Chesapeake named Billy Joe Bob Earl was seen filing paperwork and gaining support from residents who knew nothing about him beyond his name.